Nocturnal Malevolence

Note to a friend after a visit to Boston

2008-03-06T14:53:00.001-05:00

I'm in Kuwait. That's possibly as far away from everything as I can get. And my hotel room, although fabulous, is completely trashed. 80's hair band drug fueled after party kind of trashed.

While looking over my wonderful mess with a deep appreciation and contented sense of accomplishment, not unlike what I imagine god felt after creating the heavens and earth from nothing, I couldn't help but notice 2 things. 1: I stole your light blue socks. That made me laugh. Especially since they were still a bit wet from the laundry when I packed them and after 24 hours they made my suitcase smell all rank and moldy. And 2: My hair really is EVERYWHERE! As much as I leave stuck in couches and beds it's really is a wonder that I have any left. How ever do they get it out between room occupants. I, for one, would never want to take that job on. But the idea of someone else having a naked monkey hotel room dance party surrounded by my DNA really freaks me out! It just isn't polite, I say!

I guess that you're right. Maybe I SHOULD wear a shower cap around the house. That'd be hot, right

HEBREWS

2008-02-20T16:59:00.002-05:00

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

.......... "HEBREWS"

School is Cool

2008-02-15T12:32:00.001-05:00

I just finished my first knitting class with
this enormous older german woman named cindy. She's tall. It's all a bit overwhelming until you get used to it. She is teaching me how to make a really ugly scarf. I am talking ugly. When I told her that I wanted to learn to knit a really ugly scarf she looked at me like I was mad. She later asked if I was on drugs. That's when we bonded. Cindy and I are tight. That's because we are both very dedicated to knitting.

After I finish my scarf I am moving on to bigger and badder things. I have decided to knit the apocalypse. I know that myth usually involves more weaving and/or spinning (whatever that is) but I'm a modern girl and knitting just seems faster. And really, who the hell knows how to weave?

I'm sure it's rather obvious to you at this point that I am so hopped up on coffee
and ill will towards all man kind that I can hardly see straight. Cindy says that the knitting will either cure me and calm me or drive me "absolutely postal." Isn't she cute?

Large Ass

2008-02-13T16:54:00.001-05:00

Dear fans,

I am sad to report that Ask.com no longer respects my ass. I am no longer anywhere among the top pages of in the search for "large ass." Has my ass shrunk? Not that I am aware of. Damn you ask.com

You are breaking my heart.

I am just so damned proud!

2008-02-05T23:11:00.001-05:00

It has come to my attention that a huge majority of web surfers make it to my site via search engines. This, in and of itself, is not so much of a surprise. The part I find a shade bizarre is what they are searching for.

I am proud to tell you that www.ask.com is a wonderful referrer. Unfortunately, who they refer are people searching for, get this a "large ass." No, you didn't misread. Try it. Click on over to ask.com and type in "large ass," and there I am 5th or so from the top! A few sites beneath http://www.bigbuttgals.com/ and www.bigbutt-tv.com.

I am just so proud!

Google, those bastards, don't even have me in the top million.

I owe all my blog traffic to my very large ass! I knew one day that it would make me proud!

I would like to take a minute to thank all of you perverts over at Ask.com for being the glue that holds my ass (oops, I meant blog) together. Never change.

e

Square America Snapshots

2008-02-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

Square America Snaps

I am just a little bit in love with this site. Please Check it out!

2008-02-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

Things to tell your doctor during your colonoscopy

2008-02-05T20:33:00.001-05:00

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

2007-11-05T15:27:00.000-05:00

Portrait of a Princess (our gi-normous beagle)

Fluffy Schmutzer

Definitive, uncontrovertible proof that Ross loves his lawn equipment far, far, too much. (He is the artist behind this thoughtfully composed portrait, not I.)

2007-11-05T15:17:00.000-05:00

Hopewell NY

Scary shit you can find at Ross's mother's house

Scary shit (part 2)

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

2007-11-04T14:58:00.001-05:00

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-ma il program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to c ause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

JC Penney 1977: A simpler time

2007-11-04T14:44:00.001-05:00

A Simpler Time

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog
fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it,
right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next
dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old
barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my
bathroom:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those
came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to
bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get
your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for
your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops
have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits,
grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in
high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David
Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone
knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get
your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the
description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the
house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing
around your cell in D-block. Even
then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made
you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against
ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked
pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like
Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case,
he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened -
or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his
matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at
the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know
it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your
ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I
believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including
termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange
jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every
day up to and including St. Patrick's Day

Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color
exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles
unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In
this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this
-- Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are
What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the
snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the
pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers
outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples
to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have
entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more
than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a
look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that
fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your
one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from
this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you
with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that's sexy.

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Whipped: The Magazine For Men Who Don't Make the Decisions

2007-10-30T17:02:00.001-05:00

Where ever do I find one?

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Hmmm.

2007-10-22T09:09:00.001-05:00

I have just been asked to appear in a fashion show.

And you all thought having a huge ass and being close to midget sized in height (though still shocking gorgeous of course) would hinder my plot to take over the world of fashion. Be afraid. I am coming.

I AM the next big thing. Or maybe the next little thing.

Now the question that remains is can I actually walk in high heels? Without falling? Not too sure about that one.

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Chester and chuck

2007-10-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

Mmmmm...Beer...

2007-10-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

Halloween Pets

2007-10-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

2007-10-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

I really am rather good looking. It's genetic. Thanks Mom!

BMW Girl drives a Toyota Rav 4? Huh?

Shoes, glorious shoes! at the Stormville columbus day flea market.

2007-10-07T11:32:00.000-05:00

Ross is too cool for school in his brokedown $5 Paris Hilton glasses.

I bet you didn't know that Ross and I are secretly superheroes.

Pumpkin Head! At Crystal Caves in Pennsylvania

Be afraid. I vant to suck your blood!

2007-10-07T11:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, but this sure makes me hungry. Multiple mammal sandwich. Mmm mmm Cabelas.

Finally, Ross found a non dead animal at Cabelas!

Even a snowman has got the right to protect hisself now, don't he?

Ross get's down with his bad ass Amish self. Finally, the beard makes some sense! He has petitioned to change his name legally to Jebediah. Motion pending.

2007-10-07T11:24:00.000-05:00

Cabelas: A red neck paradise. Deer beware!

C'mere Deer

2007-10-07T11:23:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't love a miniature village?

2007-10-07T11:20:00.000-05:00

Dolomites from the air

Roadside America Shartlesville, PA

Roadside America

Roadside America
Don't worry. We won't eat you! Promise!

Ma! They're looking at me again!!! make em stop!!!!

2007-10-07T10:08:00.000-05:00
Do you ever get the feeling that you are surrounded by serial killers? And they are all looking right at you wondering whether you'd taste better with ketchup or caviar. No? Not even a little, eh?

F*^K! It really is just me, huh?

FIGURES...

Friends

2007-09-21T21:25:00.001-05:00
Confucius say...
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.

____________________________________________________________________________________
Building a website is a piece of cake. Yahoo! Small Business gives you all the tools to get online.
http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/webhosting

I sure don't think I'm in Georgia anymore Eustace...

2007-09-18T16:12:00.000-05:00

Things I have learned, again

Thing One

Tbilisi. Yes, yes, it does sound like a sneeze. You are pronouncing it correctly. I, on the other hand, am more than likely not spelling it properly. Anyways... Tbilisi. It's in Georgia. But it's really really really fricking far from Atlanta. Don't accidentally book your flight here. It's kind of like the Georgia you know but in a really very scary alternate reality. Okay, not really. But there are a ton of bottle blonds who wear far too much makeup there. So it sort of is.

THing two

Nothing kills a good breakfast buffet in the Middle East quite like Ramadan. Trust me.

THing Three

A proper bra really is the most important part of your outfit. Mom is right. Get the girls in line, kids. NObody likes a straggler!

Thing four

The hotel staff at nearly all hotels on any continent in the world will give you the exact same mocking look if you call them to fix your hairdryer and they arrive only to the find that the only problem your hairdryer has is that you are too stupid to push the On button properly. It's truly amazing how you can understand that you are being called a silly dumbass by nearly anyone in any country with just a look. And they say the language barrier is such a problem. I beg to differ!

Okay, kids. That's all for now. Peace out home fries.

e

Yet another reason I have not yet disowned my oldest sister

2007-09-13T17:47:00.000-05:00
There are many reasons why you should disown various family members. All of them are valid. Trust me. But today I am feeling positive. So instead of the litany I will, instead, provide you with this little gem that my big sis sent to me today.

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

SO, Lisa, you can stay. But don't press your luck! Love is, after all, rather finite.

xoxo
e
p.s. And if you send me the midget slave with any more stupid piercings...DEALS OFF!!

I Love wd 40! Do you?

2007-09-11T14:22:00.000-05:00

200 glorious uses for WD 40 (or is it nectar of gods?)
I think my personal favorite use is Removes lipstick from carpets
that's 120 for you lazy people

of course Removes rollerblade marks from kitchen floor is also a personal favorite...

Choose your favorite and happy lubrication!
Use to loosen rusty nuts and screws, clean garden tools
Cleans piano keys
Keeps wicker chairs from squeaking
Lubricates small rolling toys
Keeps garden tools rust-free
Cleans patio door glide strip
Removes crayon from clothes dryer (make sure to unplug dryer first)
Removes scuff marks from ceramic tile floor
Keeps metal wind chimes rust-free
Removes crayon from walls
Helps join plastic shelving to make disassembly easier
Removes water spots from mirrors
Lubricates hinge on pruning shears
Lubricates screws on lawn furniture
Lubricates hydraulic rams on slideout of 5th wheel
Cleans fiberglass bathtubs
Cleans and prevents rust on oil tank exterior
Cleans and protects bed of wheelbarrows
Prevents rust on swamp cooler nuts
Removes tea stains from countertops
Removes crayon from wallpaper
Lubricates gate locks
Removes crayon from carpet
Removes tape marks from the wall where posters hung
Shines leaves of artificial houseplants
Keeps snow from sticking to shovel
Removes coffee stains on floor tiles
Keeps hose ends from corroding
Lubricates moving parts on playground equipment
Removes crayon from plastic
Removes decals from bathtubs
Removes old cellophane tape
Removes crayon from shoes
Cleans ashtrays
Removes crayon from toys
Cleans and protects underside of cast iron skillets
Removes ink from carpet
Keeps garden plant cages bright and rust free
Cleans lawnmower blades
Cleans and protects antique kitchen tools
Prevents mildew growth on fountain
Removes marks from floors left by chair feet
Removes crayon from chalk boards
Eliminates static on volume and tuning control knobs
Cleans candle soot
Removes ink from blue jeans
Cleans residue on luggage handles
Cleans old muffin tins
Cleans and protects pruning shears
Cleans gold-plated faucets
Removes petroleum stains from clothing
Keeps sewing needles from rusting
Removes Kool-Aid stains from carpet and fabric
Removes gunk from plastic dish-drainer
Lubricates kitchen sink handheld spray nozzle
Removes rust from curtain rods
Removes adhesive from precious china
Cleans bottoms of pots and pans
Helps prevent rust on hide-a-key containers
Cleans vinyl garage doors
Cleans doggie doo from tennis shoes
Removes gunk when replacing old faucets
Cleans and protects medicine door latches
Protects wrought iron from rust
Removes tomato stains from clothes
Prevents rust from forming on washing machines
Keeps metal wire screens rust free
Removes blue baked-on acrylic cover shields from acrylic windows
Preventative maintenance on cooking burner
Removes coffee stains from leather
Protects electric pump on furnace
Removes ink stains from leather
Prevents corrosion on copper parts of fountain
Lubricates folding parts of ironing board
Removes rust from chair feet
Cleans and polishes gold and brass lamps
Removes adhesive price tag from shoe bottoms
Keeps trigger on glue gun from sticking
Cleans bed frame
Protects shower heads from rust
Protects silver from blackening
Lubricates external pivots on lawnmowers
Keeps blades from rusting on garden plow
Cleans black streaks from hardwood floors
Protects inner machinery in toilet against corrosion
Removes paint from tile flooring
Protects hand trowels from corrosion
Cleans and protects pitchforks
Lubricates screen channels upon installation of rubber bead
Removes rust stains from bathroom tubs
Cleans metal figurines
Shines shower doors
Protects patio door from sun damage
Cleans mildew from refrigerator gasket
Helps clean rust from wire shelves
Cleans newspaper ink from tables
Removes rust stains from floor after mopping
Cleans and protects TV antenna
Removes gum from wallpaper
Penetrates and frees stuck toilet shutoff valve
Spray on rototiller blades to prevent rust during off-season
Cleans melted vacuum belt from carpeting
Removes crayon from television screen
Lubricates zippers on lawn mower grass catcher bags
Cleans gunk from chain saws
Prevents rust on metal patio chairs
Removes crayon marks from glass
Camouflages scratches in cultured marble
Removes berry stains from patio furniture
Removes gum stuck to concrete
Cleans heavy dirt from shovels
Cleans rust from metal exterior of speakers
Coat outside pipes during winter to help prevent freezing damage or pipe bursts
Removes glue deposits from linoleum
Lubricates hinges on antique smoking stand
Removes masking tape residue from linoleum
Cleans gunk built up on doorknobs
Removes stickers from credit cards
Cleans smoke stains
Removes lipstick from carpet
Lubricates metal latches on chain link fences
Removes melted scotch tape from dining room table
Removes stains from coffee cups
Removes crayon from screen doors
Removes crayon from plastic tables
Removes oil stains from nylon
Spray on hula hoe swivels to clean & prevent corrosion
Lubricates air holes before inserting hand air pump nozzle onto tires
Keeps lawnmower wheels turning smoothly
Keeps plant supports from rusting
Removes gum from linoleum floor
Removes strawberry stains from countertops
Removes tar from shovels
Keeps plant hangers from rusting
Removes mascara from tile floors
Erases marks caused by chair backs on running boards of wall
Spray on silverware during unused periods to prevent tarnishing
Clean black marks from shoes off the floor
Removes labels from medicine bottles
Removes wax from shoes
Cleans chair wheels
Cleans window sills
Protects snow shovels from the effects of salt
Cleans and protects washer lid
Prevents corrosion on outdoor light fixtures
Removes felt pen marks from floor
Loosens valve stems on lawnmower tires
Removes gum from aluminum siding
Removes wax from vinyl surfaces
Lubricates mixer gears
Removes rollerblade marks from kitchen floor
Adds moisture to and preserves ivory and bone items
Keeps lawn mower carburetors free of gunk
Removes Velcro stickers
Polishes away scratches on countertops
Lubricates vacuum cleaner roller brush
Cleans gunk from base of toilet bowl
Lubricates runners on porch glider
Cleans roofing tar off circular saw blades
Protects exposed metal parts on snow blowers
Removes sticker residue from clothes
Removes gum from flagpoles
Keeps clay from sticking to shovels
Prevents rake from rusting
Removes laundry detergent stain from washer
Polishes splash guards
Cleans crayon off of rock walls
Lubricates ball valve handle on sprinkler system
Lubricates return springs on riding lawnmowers
Keeps kitty-doo from sticking to electric cat-box rakes
Removes dried toothpaste stains
Removes silly putty from furniture
Cleans lime stains from toilet bowls
Spray on bottom 6 inches of wooden patio table to prevent mildew build up
Removes glue from refrigerator
Helps clean showers
Cleans build up on hedge trimmers
Lubricates gardening shears
Cleans dog hair from sliding door rollers
Removes marks-a-lot ink from most items
Removes rust from cookie tins
Keeps flower pots from sticking together when stacked in storage
Removes gum from dryer lint screen
Cleans tar from rubber water hoses
Removes scuff marks from lawn furniture
Removes rust stains from tile floors
Lubricates lever on razor scraper
Removes lipstick from fabric
Cleans and lubricates the rubber surrounds on stereo sub woofers
Spray down drain throat to remove scum
Removes crayon from place mats
Removes stubborn body oils and shampoo residue from bath mats
Spray around bottom of garbage cans to prevent animals from getting in
Removes oxidation from aluminum window frames
Polishes and protects brass candlesticks
Cleans music racks
Cleans peanut butter from shoestrings
Cleans and protects blades of pruning shears
Cleans wood planter bed
Cleans scum from rubber gloves
Please visit Wise Bread

Are you virgin enough for virgin america

2007-08-28T11:58:00.001-05:00

Well, are you? Yeah, me neither. (sorry dad)

New today on tales from the pit...Well wasting time on the world wide waste of time today I was performing my customary search of available flight attendant jobs. You know, to make sure that no one has one that is better than mine. I came across the best line of a job ad that I have ever seen.

Are you virgin enough for virgin america?

Does that come in a T-shirt anyone?

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Things that I know that you should (A love story)

2007-08-28T09:56:00.001-05:00

Dear you,

There are many things that you know that I should. But I obviously don't know them and so can not write about them, now can I? So, I find myself left only with what I know as you, rudely I might add, seem unwilling or unable to tell me what you know. So, you see, in the end everything is really your own fault. Not mine. But I still love you. I mean really, who doesn't secretly love a jealous mistress that bites?

love the bruises,
e

(that was the love story part)

Okay. Now to business, you slackers.

Things I know that you should
Most of which I learned while road tripping this past weekend

Thing one
When the creepy worker at McDonald's simply insists on conversing with you, even though he can plainly see that you would are trying to anonymously stuff your face in peace, DO NOT TALK BACK!! I mean it. Feign deafness or deadness, whatever works for you. But do not under any circumstances acknowledge his presence! Do not, for example, start feeling bad and assuming that you have to chat back because you think he is probably retarded. He isn't. He is just really really creepy. He will, again for example, stare longingly at your toes and ask why you aren't wearing high heels. And then he will ask you why you aren't a model and offer to take nude photos of you.

If you never ever take any other piece of advice that I give take this. Trust Me.

Thing two
Never EVER find yourself trapped for 14 hours in a putrescent smelling stadium with 20,000 other singers 19,995 of which fancy themselves R&B magicians. Trust me. This is just not good for soul and torture on the ears and mind. And really, singers don't even like singers, so why should you?

This, of course, brings me to thing three...

Thing Three
Ryan Seacrest is really, really short. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know this. You watch The Soup. You, too, are massively in love with Joel McHale. But as short as he is, white chicks under the age of 22 are absolutely enthralled by him. Do not accidentally find yourself anywhere between him and them. They will savagely cut you down and not even smudge their over made up little acne covered faces. It's frightening. He really should bottle whatever it is and sell it. We could call it Ryan Juice. Mmm mmm gross. As I have sold my soul to the FOX corporation I am unable to tell you much else. For Now...

Thing Four
If a cute young girl adopts you at an audition and keeps telling you how sophisticated you look and that she hopes she looks as good as you in ten years when she is your age, what she is really telling you is that you are old and probably should retire already because everyone knows that it is her time to rule the world and not at all her fault that you didn't accomplish everything that you wanted before your time was up.
.
Thing Five
If it smokes like a chimney, is painted like a psychedelic easter egg,
has hair that defies all laws of gravity and nature, is surrounded by
frightening tomes on witchcraft and spells and mistrusts anyone that
hasn't ever lived in Montreal, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHARM IT. It HATES
YOU. It probably works at McDonald's and you don't even know it.

Thing Six
Sushi is probably not a car food. I guess that's why there aren't any drive through sushi stands, huh?

Thing Six
It is perfectly wonderful to take yourself on a romantic little weekend all by yourself. Who do you love more than yourself, right? Stay in a cute little inn in the country, take yourself out for a lovely little meal. Pretend that no one else exists in all the world. Laugh at your own jokes, they are the best, right? Get a little drunk and take advantage of yourself.

XOXO,
e

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Food For Thought

2007-08-20T16:21:00.001-05:00

Do any of you find it crazy that my company spends about twice what they pay me every month in transporting me from place to place to begin work?

Unfair much?

Give me money, Damnit!

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Poison Ivy Blows, Trust me

2007-08-12T11:47:00.001-05:00

In case you were in a state of doubt or maybe mere ambivalence: POISON IVY BLOWS!!!

I know this as I currently have it all over my face. My eyes are puffy pools of pugnacious pustules. My mouth all a twitch with the itchies. I am perfectly hideous. Children stop and stare. Adults pretend that I don't exist. For one as ceaselessly vain as I, this is a trial of enormous proportion. I'm a damned flight attendant, for god sakes! Of course I am vain!

But on the up-side, I have an excellent reason to call out of work this month!

Pity me, don't fear me...

e

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Die Yuppie Scum, DIe!

2007-08-12T11:41:00.001-05:00

Yes, yes, yes. I get it. You ARE a preferred flier. You have a zillion, billion, million frequent flier miles. You could go to mars first class and not pay a dime. If only the fool airline would start scheduled service to mars. Don't they know that Mars is the next Vegas? Well, they would, if only they would listen to you. There loss, eh?

You would quit flying them all together if any other, more reasonable airline would flew to 'the asshole of Satan,' Georgia where your boss, who doesn't possibly appreciate your gifts as they should be appreciated, insists on sending you biweekly simply because he is a bastard who likes to watch you sweat like a pig in the liquid fire summer heat. But, alas, nobody else does so you are stuck.

But if this damn airline thinks that they are going to push you around, they sure don't know you very well!

First you'll turn pink and unfocused with rage and then you will loudly explain how important your business is to this crap ass, miserable excuse for an airline all the while wildly waving your arms like an overweight ballerina in a geriatric community theater production. than will show em!

And then you will stomp about like a pinstriped baby elephant and while snorting vehemently unintelligible unkindnesses at whoever seems to be paying attention like a pregnant rhinoceros in the midst of birthing septuplets.

Oh yeah! You are SO very important! Let it all out! Let the world know. Wave it like a fricking flag!

But wait, what is it coming down the waves? Is it...no...it couldn't possibly be! Why yes it is.

It's a NEWSFLASH:

Okay, I know that you won't believe me, but I still feel obligated to tell you. Nobody prefers you. And I mean NOBODY. Nobody even really likes you. Certainly not your flight attendants. Probably not even your parents. You know why your boss really keeps sending you to 'the asshole of Satan,' Georgia? Because he HATES you. You should just accept this as a certainty or a just punishment for your blatant and profound ass-ishness. You are an asshole. You must be punished.

Now I'd like to provide you with a list of reasons your flight attendants hate you. You know, for your own good and all.

One: You, with all your free upgrades to first class are the most miserable and demanding passenger ever invented. We see you as a punishment from an angry judeo-christian god for drinking and partying too much on long layovers. That's why most of us quickly become agnostics. It's just easier. You can imagine how unbearable your personality would be when we have a hangover.

Two: Generally you are married. We know this because we can see your lily white ring tan on the finger that your wedding band sometimes lives. We generally notice this as you are asking us to meet you for a drink later on at out destination city. What you are really wondering is whether or not we will sleep with you. The answer is no. Have you seen yourself in the mirror. You really should consider naming that beer belly. it's officially at the size where it commands respect of its own. Congratulations on that.

Three: You are often a raging alcoholic. Not that many of us aren't. But we generally make pleasant drunks. It's just the customer service employee way. But you, you insist on ignoring the affects of alcohol at altitude. You get drunk and snore and demand every manner of weirdness. And finally, when your poor flight attendant invents a reasonable sounding excuse to cut you off the sauce with out offending you, you holler at her and start your preferred customer rant all over again.

I think that I am starting to develop a twitch from not rolling my eyes at you for so many hours. And no, my insurance does not cover this.

(Here's a shout out to all you underpaid, overworked waitresses, bartenders, hotel front desk employees and airline gate agents who deal with you on your interminable, unavoidable business trips. You are loved!)

From all of us to you I would like to say: You Suck!

e

Technorati Tags: Frequent Fliers, Flight Attendants, Airline

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Wee! You can't catch me! I'll be in Paris

2007-07-27T15:31:00.000-05:00
Wee! You can't catch me! I'll be in Paris!

Sorry, I just really couldn't resist. Once in a while my job just ROCKS! In the next week I will spend a miniscule amout of time in Paris and a whole heaping bit of it in Santa Monica.

Envy me. You know you want to. Screw that! Worship me! I am worthy.

peace out, my homefries!

Air Crew Humor

2007-07-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.

Pause:
Static..

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.

Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

I am a Library Terrorist! Be Afraid!

2007-07-24T16:16:00.000-05:00

I am a Library Terrorist! Be Afraid!

Or at least that is how I feel as the scary library ladies look me up and down and then up again. You see, I owe them money. I always owe them money. I think that they are prepared to take a contract out on my head if I do not pay them their money. All $18 of it.

Yes, I know, you have to be rather over due to accrue 18 bucks worth of library fines. You, you old slave driver, probably even think that their ire is rather appropriate. But think about for a minute if you will.

I am a freaking international charter flight attendant who is often out of the country far longer than the allotted 2 weeks. Cut me some god damn slack, already!

I mean really, is it really necessary to glare at me as if I am public enemy number one every time that I enter the library? Can't you just take my cash gracefully and SHUT UP about it?

Screw You! You mean old library lady!

The ass hole of Satan

2007-07-12T12:54:00.000-05:00
I am currently living in the asshole of satan.

How, you ask, could you possibly know that?

Well, let me tell you, it's not exactly something that you can easily misinterpret. Aside from the "welcome to the asshole of satan" sign that hangs just inside the city limits, there are multiple other give aways.

For instance: The heat. It is about ten thousand degrees here. And it is not a dry heat, let me tell you. It is a sticky, stinky, get in between your ears and screw up your wiring sort of heat. It's that sort of a heat that no rain storm relieves. It never cools off! The heat is as constant at 4 in the morning as it is at 2 in the afternoon.

And the airport! I bet you never thought that satan's asshole had an airport, did you? It's horrifying! A tiny building with out door walkways that are 2 miles long to get to baggage claim and the taxi stand. Now, if it wasn't really satan's asshole the air conditioning would most assuredly work properly here and there would be NO outdoor walk ways as it is typically a zillion degrees outside in the summer. But No!

You see, incontrovertible proof that I am indeed in the asshole of satan. And I thought jews didn't go to hell! Well that sucks!

e

Oh, my family. How I love them. Who else would!

2007-07-06T13:11:00.000-05:00

From the Left: Baby Monster, Joe, Big Sis Lisa, Midget Slave

Bad, bad, me

2007-07-06T13:05:00.000-05:00

I have been a very bad blogger!

I know this. I apologize. Profusely.

The month of June was a gorgeously busy month. It was a month spent traveling all over creation. I spent 10 days in Italy in a tiny cliffside villa in a tiny fishing village on the Amalfi Coast. Then I traveled on a night train to Frankfurt, Germany and flew home to NY. I spent aproxiamtely 36 hours at home with ross and the puppies before heading off to the Bahamas for a weekend of bridesmaid hell.

Bridezilla!!!!!! I'll leave it at that.

And then, home to NY for 2 days and off to Germany for a bit for work. Unfortunately, they sometimes require that I work for my paycheck. I truly and deeply hate them for that.

And worry not, gentle readers, pictures to follow after this weekend!

Thanks for sticking with me!

e

Secret Admirer

2007-05-25T01:19:00.000-05:00
I have a secret admirer. Well, it's not a secret that I have and admirer, duh. It's just his identity that's a secret, you silly people!

How do I know this, you ask? He left an anonymous note under the left windshield wiper of my car. How do you remember that it is the left, you ask? I don't know, I just do. I have a wonderful mind for mundane details. It's a gift.

It's always lovely to be admired. What good taste my secret admirer has! But how, exactly, does he know exactly what car I drive and where I park it? That's the alarming part, now isn't it.

"Okay, okay chill out, oh paranoid one," you might say. "Remember that there is an alarmingly colorful Sponge Bob Square Pants sheet covering your entire back seat. And remember that your car is held together mostly with tape and paint? That isn't really the way to car anonymity, now is it?"

Yes, yes, I'll grant you this. All true, all true. But how does he know this? Especially as I often park two blocks away from the alleged place we supposedly once met. But, of course, I often snag the spot right outside the damn front door as well. Hmmmmm.

Stalker or admirer. Who can tell.

If you do hear that I have been chopped into pieces and found wrapped up all snug and dead please send them after my admirer.

Oh wait. You can't really, can you? His identity is a secret. Shhhhhh...

Grammar

2007-05-18T14:51:00.000-05:00

Dear readers,

It has come to my attention that my grammar sucks. For this I apologize. I blame it on everything but myself. But primarily, I blame it on the automatic spelling error correction feature on my word processing program and my lack of patience to police it. Damn you, computer! For your enjoyment have included a portion of the email my mother recently sent to me to bring this to my attention. She is, of course, the goddess of proper English. And this is yet another reason I love her. She is a god. And she's damn smart! Enjoy.

e

Notes from Mom:

Dear E:

"Okay. I really enjoy your blog. I just read it. I understand about dorky men. HOWEVER, I feel compelled to point out some persistent grammar/spelling issues that are becoming reoccurring.

site/sight - place/vision

there/they're/their - place/contraction/possession

to/too - location/also

I do REALLY enjoy your blog. I am just a mother/frustrated proofreader/literary admirer.

If this writing style is indicative of your new, relaxed syntax, please disregard the above editing as the ravings of a syncophant (sic?) with no sense of humor. If, however, your literary muscles are weakening for lack of guidance, please, considered yourself newly guided."

lubya,
mom

Dorky Men

2007-05-17T14:33:00.000-05:00
What is it about dorky men? I just want to hug them. It's this unreasonable urge that I am always having to hold myself back from. Most men, I find perfectly resistible. Pretty men, yeah, there nice and all. But what girl wants a boy to be prettier than they are? Not me, I'm way to vain for that. And I know that there are lots of girls out there that love the big, hulking, I can lift you over my head without even breathing hard kind of men, but they're not for me either. I want my man obsessed with my boobs, not his own!

Those who know me well, they know that I'm not particularly cuddly. So this hugging thing is a little, no a lot, out of character for me. It may sound innocuous, maybe harmless to you, but don't be fooled. This one time, I was staying at a hotel that was hosting a Dungeons and Dragons convention. Dork City. The oft denied urge to hug almost sent me into fits. Not a pretty site!

Self Denial really sucks!

My Mommy!

2007-05-12T14:46:00.000-05:00

My mommy is so smart. My mommy is so pretty. Your mommy ain't got nothing on mine!

Happy Mothers Day, mommy!

In honor of my mom, I would like to present to you, dear readers, some sage little gems of experience, love, and wisdom that my mom has given me, over the years.

Mommy gem number one:

And I quote: “If it's a gift, gift wrap it!” As stated via post-it stuck to the dining room table to my 22 year old brother on her way out of town. She had no illusions of keeping the girlfriend out. At 15, I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. I remember the exact moment, about two years later, that it finally made sense. The advice, though not directly meant for me at the time has served me well. So thank you mom!

Mommy Gem number two:

Again, I quote: “ Don't get married. Live in Sin.” Yes, you read that correctly. My catholic born and bred Puerto Rican mommy has told all of us girls and boy this repeatedly and frequently throughout our entire adolescence and adulthood. Now, now, calm your outrage! There is a back story.

My mom grew up poor. My mom grew up poor and Puerto Rican in Brooklyn, NY. Marriages were made young. Babies, too, were made young. Too young. My mom wanted more than that for us. She put herself through school with two young children in her early twenties as a single mom. She remembers what it is to be skinny not because you work at it but because you don't have enough to eat. She never wanted us to know that.

Now, of course, at 27 and having lived in sin with the venerable Ross for nearly eight years, I am sure she is ready to sing a different tune, but that's a story for a different day, isn't it?

Mommy Gem number three:

“Always go pee after sex. It cleans the toxins out of your bladder. Boys are naturally dirty, it's not there fault. Trust me, your bladder will thank you.” This she said to my 21 year old self and my college roommate Keri over drinks at a hotel bar in Albany, NY. Both Keri and I thank her for this.

Mommy Gem number four:

“EPIDURAL”. Not that I have yet had an opportunity to demand one. But I have every intention of utilizing it when the time is right. Natural childbirth is for the birds!

Mommy Gem number five:

“Love doesn't just come to you. It isn't magic. You have to reach out and grab it and fight for it. Never let it go. Work for it. Earn it.”

Mommy never said this, exactly, but she lives it. And I understand this and I try to live it, too. With the exception of her love. Amazingly enough, I get that for free! Even when I don't deserve it. For that, mom, I thank you. I love you, mom!

Happy Mothers Day

e

The Moon

2007-05-12T14:03:00.000-05:00

The world just looks different by moonlight. I sit high up in a tower, okay, it's really just an upper floor of a nondescript foreign hotel, but where's the romance in that? Just out of my window looms a gorgeous white mosque. It almost appears to glow. And maybe it was built for just this, to be seen by moonlight by a foreign girl staring dreamily out from her tower alternately swaying gently and rubbing her tired calves after a days work. And Bill Evans and Miles Davis are playing Blue and Green but it feels as if it's a private concert and not just the tinny sound coming out of her crappy speakers. And did I mention the moon is full? And that the music is making her feel all melty and boneless. Sometimes the moon will trick you into seeing what isn't really there. Or, maybe more truthfully, it'll allow you to see more than really exists. The moon can do that, you know. Bill Evans and the light of a full moon on foreign soil, it can definitely do that to a girl.

Things I've learned recently through trial and error

2007-04-19T00:30:00.001-05:00

Things I've learned recently through trial and error

School is cool and all that shit, blah, blah, blah. We all sing its praises and secretly look down our noses at those who drop out, never to finish. But really, kids, what have you learned recently in school that you find so very useful in your every day tormented existence?

Me, I think that student enrollment in the the school of hard knocks: Trial and Error is about to have a renaissance. And I nominate me for it's latest band leader. In hopes of garnering all of your lovely votes, my friends, I leave you with a list of things I have learned recently through a fair amount of Trial and a huge amount of error.

Let's start with the trial portion. Everyone loves a good trial right?

I like onions. Okay, I LOVE onions. Ross says that I put them in nearly everything. He is afraid that I will one day find the perfect onion dessert. When that day arrives he has informed me that we will have to break up. And that it will be solely my fault. Onion dessert is just a line that he can not cross over and return from. I get this. Everyone has there limit, right? There proverbial line in the sand, if you will.

Okay, back to onions. I bet you thought I forgot! Yeah, I know I do that sometimes.

As much as I love to eat them, who likes cutting them? NOT ME! I cry like a Baptist church lady at a summer tent revival. You know, “Jesus, he loves you! He even forgives your shitty fashion sense!,” says the minister. “Blather, sob, sniffle, cry!, “ says the baptist church lady all the while sweating profusely through her taupe colored pantyhose and flowered tea length church dress. I call this waterfall of gastronomic onion tears “Church Lady Syndrome.” You get the idea.

As I have never been much a fan of the church lady wardrobe, I see it as a huge priority to end the suffering of Church Lady Syndrome Sufferers everywhere. So through much trial, I have learned two, yes count them, two entirely different yet equally brilliant ways of ending CLS for good. Okay, this is probably bizarre to picture but run with me on this one.

Technique 1

Ski Goggles! No, I am not joking. Yes, I know, it looks ridiculous. But when I take them off my mascara stills look fabulous! (Not like yours which is probably smeared all the way to your knees, you doubty poseurs!)

Technique 2

Candles! Lite a candle right next to the onion that you are cutting and cut away. I don't know why this works, but I assume that it's because the fire burns off the oniony tear making shit.

Why, you might ask, would anybody opt for the ski goggle technique that requires you to wander about your kitchen looking stupid when you can just light a pretty scented candle and save your dignity all at the same time? Well, for one, do you enjoy your kitchen reeking of the combined scents of French vanilla mixed with onion? Me, personally, I kind of like it (back to the oniony dessert idea, I guess), but those who know me know that I'm a little off. Most people find it kind of gross. Back to the ski goggles!

Moving on to Error

There are many many reasons why you should love jalapeño peppers. But, not so strangely, there are even more reason why you should not rub it into your eyes. Or your nose! Definitely not your nose!

Just this very week I have learned why people wear gloves when cutting jalapeños. When I saw them on TV programs I just thought that they were sissies. Now I know the truth: that they are immeasurably wise, and more than likely students of Trial and Error!

La, la, la. I'm singing in the kitchen on the top of my lungs. “It's De Lovely!!!!” Everyone loves Cole Porter, right? And I'm making veggie chili. Both are pretty normal occurrences in my kitchen. I sing I cook. It drives Ross nuts! So, I have these fancy jalapeños in the fridge and they are just screaming”Put me in your chili, oh fabulous, singing chef! Use me!” And I, being the beneficently, beautiful, bodacious, babe, ahem...I mean chef, but who can resist an adventurous alliteration...that I am, I grab those suckers out of the pit that is my ancient fridge and chop em up all nice and pretty and throw them in. The chili is cooking away steeping itself all up into its chili goodness and I'm reading a book trying to take my mind off of my growly belly. And do you know what happens? My eye begins to itch. And nobody like an itchy eye! So, of course I reach up to rub the itchies away.

Oh the sting! The horrible, horribly horrible sting! At present, there exist no words to acceptably even begin to convey the horror of this EYE STING!

So, the shock eventually wears off and look at that, .just in time to eat some of that yummy chili. I mean, really, is it the chilis fault that the jalapeño made such and eye sting? Why punish the chili, right? So I, being the rational entirely reasonable girl that you know me to be do what any other rational, reasonable and very hungry girl would do. I WASH MY HANDS THOUROUGHLEY! And I eat my chili. And all is right with the world. NOT!

About and hour passes. The chili is on its way to chili heaven, or if you're not overly religious like me, to wherever atheist chili eaters send there chili. And what happens? My NOSE itches! And, like itchy eyes, NOBODY likes an itchy nose! So, I think nothing of itching away the nose itchies.

URGH!!!! Nose Fire! I think that my nose is actually on fire! Burning!!!! Didn't I wash my hands and hour ago? Why is this happening! Does God HATE ME? Is this his way of telling me that he hates me?

You get the picture.

I hope you can learn from my trials and errors. Why make your own when you can live vicariously through mine, right?

You know, I originally wrote this as a allegorical cautionary tale for you, my favorite readers. But I have only now begun to realize that I, too, have learned ever so more than I thought possible. For instance, I have realized that I have an obsession with Church Ladies. This just can't be normal, or health. And also, my fridge has way, way, too many zucchinis in it. Just because they are on sale does not mean that you should buy all of them in the state!

2007-04-03T23:14:00.001-05:00
I have lovely toes! They are perfect and painted pink. Not a barbie pink, nor are they a ballerina pink. They are, in fact, the perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink! Perfect, I tell you.

I have searched the world long and hard to find the perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink. In fact, I think that the quest might have played a much larger role than I earlier acknowledged in my becoming a flight attendant. Yes, it is true. Sir Lancelot has his Holy Grail, and I, erika m, have my perfect toes. Life is rather random that way, isn't it?

But somehow, I feel a little empty now. I am in Fort Lauderdale, FL alone with my perfect toes. By all rights I should be over the moon, ecstatic. Yet all is not well. You see, on those long lonely nights that lie ahead, I have nothing to strive for. Success comes to me so easily it's almost not worth trying. When the perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink nail polish that you have traveled to all ends of the earth suddenly finds you in a strip mall nail salon in an atlanta suburb, it just doesn't feel like true success.

You see, that same perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink nail polish eluded me in the Grand Bazzare in Istanbul, and it swam just out of reach on the shores of Guam. It Hula'd twisitily out of my grasp in Hawaii and sang me a polka safely tucked out of reach on a the balcony of a beer garden in Leipzig. Always I have searched valiantly! Allways I have failed dramatically.

Did it have to be a strip mall? I kind of feel cheated, you know?

e

FADD: Flight Attendants Against Drunk Dating

2007-03-28T12:31:00.000-05:00

FADD

Flight Attendants Against Drunk Dating

Because beer goggles are not a fashion accessory!

How many times have you been out and about and seen a silly gaggle of pretty girls talking animatedly with the local scumbag. And, if you were a guy, you thought, “Dude, what is wrong with the world. I am way cooler than that donkey testes! How can those fine young things not see it?”

Well I will tell you how. It's an insidious, evil, state of being that is often mis-credited as only a simple temporarily bad fashion disaster. But, you and I know better. It is so much more than that!! It is BEER GOGGLES!

Yes, ladies and gents, it is okay to shudder in shame. So many have fallen prey. SO many good men and women have a lovely night on the town only to wake the next morning and turn over to find CHEWBACA next to them! Oh the horror. The shame.

This is why I started FADD. Not for me. For all of us. So no one will ever have to wake up next to Chewbaca again. Unless of course that's what they're into.

(In which case, it must be said that Chewbaca need a little loving too. So get you're freak on, wild child! )

We all owe it to ourselves to join this organization.

We, together with the flight attendants of the world, can stop this horrible morning after tragedy. We can DO THIS!!

Together

Things I have Learned, recently

2007-03-15T13:40:00.000-05:00

Things I have learned, recently.

See ross? See Snarf on top of Ross's mama made, chocolate, 31st birthday cake? That is love. The best sort. Love comes in many forms. For Ross, the best forms sometimes include Snarf. That's why he is my favorite wierdest person on the entire face of the earth.

2007-03-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

Buildings should have walls. SOme in New Orleans still don't.

If you throw a bunch of crap in the street the street gets really really gross and dirty. (Early Mardi Gras season, New Orleans)

2007-03-15T13:25:00.000-05:00

Shannon has no boyfriend. She doesn't mind this in the least. But I must say, Shannon and Bat Man. It just works. Really.

Under no circumstances should you allow this to be done to you! Ever. Learn from this poor girls mistake. This is never good.

Mother Cluckers in New Orleans, LA. Only there.

This has to be the most confusing walk/do not walk sign I have ever seen. I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to decide whether to cross or not cross the street. Once again, only in New Orleans.

Desert Island, Maine

2007-03-15T13:09:00.000-05:00

I Love Desert Island, Maine! Go there!

2007-03-15T13:07:00.001-05:00

Desert Island, Maine
Roadtripping around The Quiet Side

2007-03-15T13:04:00.001-05:00

Desert Island, Maine
Shipwreck Trail

Views from the Shipwreck Trail

Things I have Learned This Week

2007-03-04T16:47:00.000-05:00

Things I have Learned This Week

It is often said that life is all about learning and that the world is just a enormous classroom full of dunces, or some crap like that. I don't know if I believe that, as I try very hard not to believe in anything much. But if I did suddenly wake up with a sunny new perspective on all things “faith related” and suddenly developed a propensity to believe all sorts of stupid shit, I would be obligated to share with you what I had learned this week, right? I digress:

Things I have Learned This Week

Thing 1: When visiting a thrift store at a monastery that is staffed mostly by drug addicts (yes it's a treatment center) located next to a nun cemetery you probably shouldn't discuss where you live in detail. Of course, this came to me hours after said discussions.

Thing 2: When enjoying a coffee in said drug addict staffed, monastery thrift store and said drug addict calls You crazy, you probably are crazy. They would know, wouldn't they.

(What do you call a rock guitarist out side of rehab? HOMELESS!)

And yes, a drug addict guitarist told me that little gem of a joke! Who new drug addicts had such lovely senses of humor?

Thing 3: When said drug addict guitarist tells you that you are addicted to books and really need to interact with humans more often, he is probably right. He would know, wouldn't he?

Thing 4: Do not watch CSI Miami and try to eat, in the dark. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! If ever there was a better diet aid, I don't know of it!

Thing 5: If you are a shitty singer on American Idol and you really don't want to get eliminated despite the fact that you suck, take slutty pictures of yourself and make sure that someone ex boyfriend leaks them to the internet!

(For that last one, I can't take the credit. For that little bit of wisdom we must thank Antonella Barba, the evil, talentless, satan spawn that has made me lose faith in the modern singer. And yes, I am a bit jealous.

Although I truly doubt it, (I am a disbelieving hater, after all) some small part of me hopes that I have enriched your lives, at least a little bit. Okay, okay, who am I kidding?

In any event,

e

Syracuse Barbies

2007-03-01T13:55:00.000-05:00
For those of you who don't know, I am originally from Syracuse NY. It doesn't matter that I haven't actually lived there for nearly ten years, Syracuse, NY is just one of those places that you never really get out of your system. Kind of like a virus.

Lately I seem to be inundated with email from my favorite Syracuseans about Syracuse. This particular little gem is so funny I just feel compelled to share it with you. Aren't you lucky!

This is for all the Syracuse girls and boys out there that read my blog on those rare occasions that I get around to updating it. And for those of you non Syracuse kids, consider this a valuable travel guide in case you one day choose to visit. It's alarmingly accurate.From the lips of Barbie herself:

Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Syracuse market:

2007-03-01T13:37:00.000-05:00
Manlius Barbie: This princess Barbie is sold only at Fayetteville Towne Center. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Manlius Barbie is easily exchanged, and occasionally mistaken for Skaneateles Barbie.

Baldwinsville Barbie: The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Northside Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Skaneateles Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Oswego Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Fulton Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Oswego Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Westcott Street Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks , or combat boots with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Northside Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

South Side Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Salina Street Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

Vocabulary Lessons

2007-02-17T22:40:00.000-05:00

Vocabulary lessons
Courtesy of Assasination Press

Dendrophilia: sexual attraction to trees.
Agalmatophilia: an attraction to statues or mannequins.

Oculolintus: the act of licking a partner's eyeball.

Visit Assasination Press for more lovely vocab lessons

It's Your Fault! You just had to wash them and make them all clean!

2007-02-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

Things overheard at my house today:

Ross, where have you been keeping my purse empire? It smells funny and I don't like it!
-erika

You have a purse empire?
-Ross

It's not my fault that you just had to wash them and make them all clean!
-Ross (referring to the single pair of jeans that he would even consider wearing. At the time he was hopping about in his underpants looking late and annoyed.)

Yes! I found my ''Jesus 2000" hat!
-Ross

It's like a cape for your boobs!
-Ross

Destiny, you shouldn't date boys at all. Only date girl's. At least till you graduate college!
-Ross and Erika on learning that my niece Destiny (15 and a freshman) has a boyfriend who is a SENIOR!

You only love me cause I pick up the(dog) poop!
-Ross

Woof!
-Princess and Fluffy

American Idol Release Form

2007-02-02T20:13:00.000-05:00
American Idol has been way on my mind lately. I really hate it for this. I just creeps in every year at the same time and leaves a lingering crusty smell in my mind until spring. And this year it is particularly bad. Some jack ass has pointed out to me that next season (season 7) will be my final chance to audition. I will be 28. And some braniac over at FOX has decided that 28 is obviously the very limit of youthful glow. It makes a girl feel damn old.

Okay, so those of you that know me know how strongly I feel about American Idol. I generally refer o it with the same caustic fear and distrust that I have only reserved for karaoke in the past. MUSICAL PROSTITUTION, I tell you! So I have copied, for you enjoyment and horror, my favorite bits of the release form. This is the form that you are required to sign merely to audition for the damn show. Enjoy!

I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that Producer shall have the right to (a) include any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in the Program as edited by Producer in its sole discretion, and (b) to broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.

Geesh! Bring on the public ridicule, humiliation and condemnation! BRING IT ON!

Here's to you AMerican Idol! Here's to you!

She has Issues, I tell you!

2007-02-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, I think that princess has issues. Those of you that know her would obviously look at me and say “DUH! She's a psycho beast from hell. Of course she has issues!”

Of these issues I am well aware. I am talking about NEW issues, of course.

You see, Princess has actively taken up singing. Yes, kids, I do mean singing. She LOVES to sing. I kid you not. Whenever I start singing she bounds over from whatever rooms she happens to find herself in to stand at my side, nose way way way up in the air, howling along.

At first I thought that she didn't like Bonnie Raitt, or maybe Christmas music. And really, who could blame her for hating Christmas music? Does anyone really like the 12 days of Christmas? It goes on for eons! And what in the hell does “Fa la la la la” really mean?

But lately this bizarre dog sing along has escalated way out of control. Really. Every time I sing scales for warm up or attempt a bar of any tune princess immediately starts yowling along. I swear, she is even trying to yowl in the same key that I am in. It's eerie.

But, in truth, I can not say that I am surprised to see princess trying to steal my thunder. Yes, I know this may sound weird, but I am pretty damn convinced that she is trying to steal Ross, as well. It does make sense. She's always flirting with him, she howls and barks till he comes out of our room in the early morning to sleep with her on the couch. She gets annoyed and jealous when I come home from work trips. And she always tries to sit in the front seat next to Ross when we are all in the car together.

As Ross is fond of saying that she is only one IQ point short of human she obviously thinks that it is time for her to get a boyfriend, too. Mine, actually.

And this is only step one in her nefarious plan.

e

Satan Shoes

2007-02-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

You all know Payless, right? You know, that crazy little purveyor of cheap but colorful footwear. Knock offs of knock offs. As a general rule, if Payless has mass marketed a trendy shoe, it is a trend that is over, way way over. I mean, really, think about it now? Have you ever seen a pair of Payless shoes and just had to have them? Have you ever wandered the yellow aisles of faux leather and the dirty bare feet of strangers with the guilty reverence generally reserved only for that one time a year you manage to make it to church? Would you kill for them, even?

Yeah, me neither. Or that's what I thought until today, that is. It all started with a commercial on the television. A commercial of pretty girls, girls with perfectly toned and tanned mid sections and pleasantly painted toes. Girls wearing shoes. PAYLESS SHOES. And then, enters a perfectly pampered set of feet. But these feet are different. These feet, I say, are not just any feet. How could they be? These lovely anonymous perfectly painted feet are firmly ensconced in just the cutest pair of bright red wedge espadrilles. And these espadrilles are just brimming over with the most adorable little white polka dots. Loads and loads of 'em! No one needs quite that many perfect polka dots.

And could it possibly be mere coincidence that I happen to have the the most perfect little 1940's inspired red dress that just happens to be brimming over with oodles and oodles of white polka dots? And, of course, I must not forget to mention that both dress and shoe match perfectly in both color and composition. Coincidence? I think not! This, my friends, could only be the work of Satan.

Imagine! Satan, in all his soul searing glory is demanding that I go out and buy Payless shoes! There really is no other possible explanation, I'm sure of it. I might even be possessed by the demon himself! Don't laugh! It really would explain many things. I mean, how else could you possibly explain my strange fixation on 20 dollar shoes? This is me, I am a shoe snob! And Payless, generally, is the embodiment of all that a shoe snob deplores. Star Jones advertises for them! Does anybody out there like Star Jones? Only Satan. And BOGO. That is so the work of Satan! And anyways, what the hell is that shit, anyways? And couldn't they come up with a better advertising campaign?

What other proof do you need? Satan IS is eating my soul. One cheap red shoe at a time.

Peace.

Large Ass

2007-01-29T13:39:00.000-05:00
It has come to my attention that I have a really large ass. We are talking an ass off collosal proportions, here. I guess this comes as no real surprise to those who know me well. But I must say, it often comes as a rude shock to me.

Okay, I am done bitching. As you lovely ladies out there can probably guess, I have been jeans shopping again. Actually, I have been jeans shopping rather consistently for nearly 2 straight months! I AM SO SICK OF SHOPPING FOR JEANS!!!

Always, I have unexpectedly found a new favorite pair ay exactly the right moment that my older favorite pair was falling to shreads around my ankles. This works for me, it really does. I don't like making decisions. For instance, my current favorite pair happened to already be waiting for me in a consignmrnt shop in Santa Monica just off the promenade. I wasn't even looking for jeans! Some girl had tried them on for herself and left them discarded over a rickety old chair in the dressing room.

I guess her ass was just too small for them. (God, I love saying that!)

But those lovely dark wash, low rise, boot cut, well worn, masterpieces of denim artistry have more holes than swiss cheese. Even their patches need patches, for god's sake!

What is an international flight attendant girl to do? Jeans are, undoubtedly, the most important part of my packing regimin. One pair must be perfect for every occasion! They must dress up well, they have to know how to slum with the best of em.

Help me, please! My legs are lonely and cold. It's just too damn cold out for dresses!

2007-01-09T18:44:00.000-05:00

Please Visit Engrish.com It is simply to good a site not too.

things that ross doesn't know about ross

2007-01-09T18:01:00.000-05:00
I would like to devote this post to things that Ross doesn't know about Ross: Or more correctly, things that Ross doesn't know about his date and/or month of birth, which happens to be February 14th. Yes, he is my funny valentine.

Thing 1: Ross is really rather lucky. Not only is his birthday Valentines day, but more importantly it is both Ferris Wheel Day and National Heart to Heart Day. Screw Valentines Day! Who needs it? Not Ross, that's for sure!

I have to assume that someone somewhere cares about either of these holidays. I, unfortunately, do not.

Thing 2: February is also National Grapefruit Month. Why is it called a grapefruit anyways. It is not a grape, not at all., I am confused. But Ross, he is most certainly a fruit.

Thing 3: Oh, don't you go forgetting National Snack Food Month. No, this would not do. Certainly not!

Thing 4: Oh, let us not forget National Canned Food Month! Where would we be without that. This might go a long way in explaining Ross's obscene addiction to Chef Boyardee food like products. I mean, why else would anyone eat that dog food smelling sodium paste shit. Yes, I see, I see. Hm. Maybe now I can begin to forgive. Or, maybe not. I mean, ahev you smelled that shit? Sardines, these I can forgive. But Chef Boyardee? I think not!

Yes, this post is a product of extreme jet lag. I make no apologies.

Peace out.

e

Leipzig, Germany

2007-01-07T18:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Daddy,
I am at a gay bar in leipzig Germany. Yes, daddy, it is a gay bar. And yes, daddy, I am still not gay. A gay bar with email, no less. How cool is technology, right? Did you know that I look good in a studded collar? I really do, daddy! But I am still not gay. I am just going to hell.
I'm okay with that.
I expect that that the music is fab.
And god knows that christian music is horrifyingly bad.
I hope that you are okay with this.
I still love you. I hope you still love me. Even though I am most assuredly going to hell.
e
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Special people Create Special posters!!!

2006-12-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

Special people Create Special Posters!!!
This, of course, is what my 14 year old niece is
learning in student government. Isnt that special?
And awesomely relevant to day to day life, Im sure.
I bet that you didnt know that.
Are you special? Because I am feeling special. That
is, if a murderous rage tempered only by a vague sort
of ennui can be truly considered special. My job is
driving me crazy! And this truly is an accomplishment
as I never even seem to work. My dad, he knows so
much about job insanity, he told me that all jobs are
like this. If this is so, I am ready for retirement.
Call me crazy, but I still believe that your job
should not suck the very life out of you and leave you
an empty, trembling husk of flaky skin and halitosis.
Somebody, find me a job!
According to and oh so effectively made poster that my
niece owns about, what else, effective poster making
for special people and posters or some such silliness:
And based on the fact that we have all already decided
that I more than likely fill the basic requirements
for specialness I think that we should explore the
other tenets of the special poster people making
bible. Whew! That was a mouthful.
Here goes:
Tenet number one: Attract attention.
I can do that. I have BIG BOOBS! They attract
attention. My niece is equal parts horrified and
mesmerized by them. They frighten her.
MOVING ON
Tenet number two: Hold a Viewers interest
This, too I think that the boobs cover. Okay, maybe
not. But I do tend to say insane things to strangers.
And often, they are horrified and oddly mesmerized
waiting to see what sort of debauched blasphemy will
pore out next. And, this, my friends, holds a persons
interest. I am sure of it.
Tenet number three: Create a memory
Hm. I do tend to go to wild parties in foreign
countries and take lots of crazy pictures of my
girlfriends. Arent pictures of nights that were
probably better forgotten really just memories for all
the world to see? And besides, if I didnt put of
those pictures of my friends and I then I would never
have experienced the joys of a conversation with my
dad the highlights of which were his asking me if I
might be gay. Trust me, you havent truly bonded with
your daddy until you have sat at a bowling alley diner
and been asked if you are gay.
(the answer is, unfortunately, no in case you too are
wondering)
See! Right now, you and I dear reader, we are creating
a memory.
Memories! CHECK!
Tenet number four: Urge Action of a Viewer
Okay, viewer, I URGE you to FIND ME A NEW JOB. One
that doesnt regularly leave me curled up in a ball in
a dirty corner eating my own hair and murmuring
unintelligible obscenities at colorful bits of free
form pocket lint.
Okay. I think that I have met all the required tenets
of special poster making people specialness. And I
want you to know, that I dont feel any better. All
of this work none of the glory.
In conclusion, I think that we have proved
conclusively one: that work sucks. Two: posters suck.
And three: I am NOT GAY.
Peace out homies!
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2006-12-09T21:35:00.000-05:00

Black Eye Collage - Just because I can!

2006-12-09T21:34:00.002-05:00

Artistic Shiner Shot

2006-12-09T21:34:00.001-05:00

Shiner - Day 1

2006-12-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Shiner- Day 2

2006-12-09T21:22:00.000-05:00
Improbable Running Injuries

Okay, I have a serious shiner. My left eye is turning colors I find hard to color coordinate the rest of my outfits around. And it's getting harder and harder to be fashionable these days. Of course, it doesn't help that I can't lift my left arm high enough to change my own shirt without serious pain. Oh and let me tell you about trying to put on a bra. Not so easy one handed, boys. I know that you are all so proud of your ability to take em off that way, but I offer up to you a challenge. Try putting a bra on one handed. Impossible, as far as I can tell.

How, you might ask, do I come to find myself in this sorry state? Well, I know this is hard to believe, but this is a running injury. Yes, running...not cliff diving or mountain climbing. Not sky diving or scuba diving. Running. Who knew physical fitness was so dangerous!

So, Ross and I ran errands today. We hit the grocery store, the laundromat and had lunch. And although my purple eye garnered quite a few stares, I am kind of upset that no one tried to stage an intervention or even ask me about it. You see, I have all kinds of stories to explain it. Like, “My boyfriend hits me. Can you make him stop?” or maybe “ Dude that chick was big and mean but you should see what I did to her face!” But no, no opportunity arose. No one asked. On the bright side, Ross did receive a few nasty glares. But no one offered to beat him up for me.

Maybe next time.

I am, of course, keeping a full day by day pictorial journal of the colors that my left eye is to achieve. I hope you enjoy the pics as much as I do. It's my first black eye!

Ross's response to my injuries, as those who know him might imagine, is to militantly require that I wear a full football helmet on all future runs. He also has decided that it would be best for me to live in a fully Nerf covered dwelling.

But I think that mom said it best when she she said “Erika, honey, you really shouldn't run with your head. It's more an activity that involves feet.”

But if I listened to mom, then how would I be possibly the only person ever to sustain a black eye and knock themselves unconscious as a result of a running injury?

e

I am concussed, I say!

2006-12-09T21:20:00.000-05:00
I am concussed, I say!

Yes, it is true. Many are the perils of physical fitness! Especially when you are me or have the grace of me. Which is to say, none. I admit it. I am totally graceless. If I were a super hero I would be 'Destructo the benign!' Benign because I only seem to injure myself in my many adventures and so pose no dangers to the world around me.

For example: Today, while jogging 'Destructo the Benign' managed to remove 2 minutes from her jogging time! She was quick! Not unlike painfully slow moving lightning. But then, with the end in sight Boom! Crash! Slide! Down, Destructo goes. Hard! Like an elephant suddenly and inexplicably without legs. She gallantly lifts herself up and limps on home to the 'Destructo Lair' to nurse her wounds only to realize that she can't exactly see straight and that she has a lump on her left eye brow bone the size of a turtle. And her head, it hurts like hell! She sighs as she puts a bag of magic frozen cranberries on her head and calls her daddy for moral support.

Once again 'Destructo the Benign' has wreaked her own special brand of specialness on the world. She's destroying herself one running injury at a time to teach the world about the perils of physical fitness. She hurts, so you don't have to! Yes, gentle inhabitants of the natural world, it is all for you. And it's all just another day's work for 'Destructo the Benign.'

e

Dear readers, the author is not responsible for any words in this blog entry as she is concussed and has a very bad headache and is not allowed to sleep. And she has a big bump over her left eye and looks pretty damn stupid. Really isn't fair you know...
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Our Love Fern Is Dying

2006-11-29T15:04:00.000-05:00

Our Love Fern is Dying

Our love fern is dying! You know, that first house plant that a couple buys together. It really doesn't have to be a fern. In fact, I have no idea what the hell kind of plant our love fern actually is. But I do know that it's supposed to be indestructible. Kind of like Jesus or Twinkies, maybe.

You have one too, don't you? You know, for years you don't even notice that it's there and you have no idea how it survives as neither of you ever admit to watering the fool thing. But after nearly half a decade of taking it totally for granted you wake up one day and realize that you kind of find its presence nice, comforting even, like oatmeal or lawn mower magazines. I mean, if you think about it, it's been with you both from almost the beginning. Longer than your favorite t shirt or episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer even. (In case you were wondering, mine is that god awful musical episode from season six. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a bad musical.) And one day you wake up and finally realize it for what it is; a marker of something vital and lovely in your life history. It's a visual reminder of a wonderful place in your relationship when it was new and squeaky clean. You remember, you used to actually get taken on dates then. And sometimes he even helped with the dishes. And right then you vow to take better care of it. Or at least to try and remember to water it once and a while.

And that, my friends, is exactly the moment that the damn thing starts to droop. And then it starts to turn yellow. And then, when most of it's leaves have finally finished turning that sickly, mushy looking shade of yellow, you know, the one that really doesn't look good with anyone's complexion, and most certainly doesn't go with your kitchen décor, that's when it's leaves start to turn brown and get all crusty. Now, admittedly, the brown crusty is an improvement in color and texture but you do realize that it doesn't really bode well for the health of your love fern. And somewhere in the midst of all this icky transformation you started to notice a weird whitish colored film spreading across the top of its soil.

And the more you try to care for it the worse it gets. And then you get pissed. And then you throw the damn thing away and replace it with a look alike all the while hoping Ross won't realize it but somehow hoping that he does. I mean, really, it is your love fern and all. You want him to bestow on it the same affection and care that you do, or did. But let's be real. Mostly you'd rather just get way with the switch. But just when you think that you've succeeded you look over at Ross only to see him eying the 'impostor' closely. And then he looks over at you and says, “That's not our love fern. What happened to our love fern? Did it die?” And your only response is “Aliens. It must have been aliens.”

Disclaimer:

All love ferns, disposal of love ferns, and Ross's appearing within these words are works of fiction and products of the author's imagination. They are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, persons or ferns, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Sincerely,

The Management

Long Live Love!

Sample Conversations

2006-11-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

You all remember Ross, right? Boyfriend
extraordinaire, rescuer of imprisoned dogs, runner of
mountains etc. he has all kinds of lovely qualities.
But you're not really interested in those, are you?
Me neither.
To be plain, I like odd men. And Ross is nothing if
not odd. Please enjoy this reinactment of a
conversation we had this afternoon:
Ross: Get Up!
Me: No! I'm sick.
R: Well at least get off me!
M: No! I'm sick.
R: Do something, already!
M: I just did, see? I rolled over.
R: Yeah, cause you're getting bed sores!
M: Nuh, uh. I'm hungry.
R: Okay, how about you play piano while I put
everything in the living room in a box. Then you can
go through it.
E: Um...??

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How To Cook A Squirrel

2006-11-10T05:22:00.000-05:00

For a New Yorker vegetarian (more or less) I must
admit that I have a truly weird and wonderful fixation
with squirrel recipes. It's inexplicable, really.
If you, too are plagued with inexplicable weirdness
visit http://www.scarysquirrel.org/recipes/
Bon Apetit!
e
Squirrel Puree - anonymous
(great for ol' timers with no teeth)
Take a blender and a squirrel
Put squirrel in blend
Switch blender on
Blend until smoth
Serve and enjoy
Come to Jesus Organic Squirrel - anonymous
Shoot the squirrel that's been climbing on your bird
feeder. Feel slightly bad. Skin and remove innards.
Snap off squirrel hands-n-feet and keep them for key
chains, good luck charms, or run them down the
disposal. Keep disposal running... eventually they go
down. Clean, and soak squirrel in 6 dollar a gallon
organic milk overnight. Rinse, quarter, flash fry with
shallots and garlic. Season with rosemary and salt
place in oven at 350 for 35 minutes. Eat. Feel
connected to the cycle of life.
"Eat more squirrel." TS Elliot
Skwerl Avec Toothpaste - anonymous
1 skwerl (live if possible)
1 bottle orange soda
3 tablespoons peanut butter
1 coconut (whole)
1lb noodles (any)(uncooked)
toothpaste as garnish
TT cinnamon, lifesavers, pepperoni, and anchovies
add all ingredients together in stock pot, bring to
boil and keep boiling... serve in cardboard boxes and
eat on the bathroom floor along with the people who
live in your neighbors basement. enjoy!!
Slow Baked Mastadon Skwerl - Mr. Hammeroni
For this one, you will need a VERY large skwerl. At
least two or three hundred pounds or so.
Get in your time machine. Set the little digital
thingy for six million years BC. Trap one bushy-tail
sabertooth- muscle bound mastadon skwerl. Avoid
getting eaten by the skwerl.
Bring the skwerl back to the good old twenty-first
century, or maybe it will bring you.. Dig a
fifteen-foot hole. Add in order:
- Two cords of wood
- Five gallons of kerosene.
- Light the wood.
- Partially cover the fire with ten or twenty large
rocks, to absorb the heat and slowly cook the monster.
- Soak the beast in five gallons of barbecue sauce,
one cup of cayenne pepper, and a half a pound of salt.
Salt is optional. Wrap in ten layers of banana leaves.
- Place prepared skwerl on the now hot rocks, and
cover the hole with as many other large rocks as you
can find.
- Dig it up in about a week, it should be nice and
tender..
World Salvation Skwerl - anonymous
Catch as many squirrels as possible... how you do
this. peanut butter in a microwave. wen they enter the
microwave start to microwave the squirrel. put it on
for at least 7 minutes 30 seconds. by this time the
squirrle should have no fur and his skin should be
bubbling. this is only the warning. if you put it on
for another minute or so you can blow it up and you
got instant chinese food as well as saveing the world.

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Istanbul not constantinople

2006-11-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

Okay; why is it that I can not stay awake in Istanbul?
I really just don't get it. I am positively itching to get a chance to explore that amazing city, but invariably I am suddenly comatose as soon as I get to the hotel. I am truly ashamed. I am currently stuck in a different little Turkish town and I am wide awake. But as it is a cess pool I will stay inside.
I am mourning a wasted opportunity.
And now; I leave you with a song...
e
Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night
Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way
So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks

Howl....O - Ween

2006-10-31T12:03:00.000-05:00

There are few places as frightening as the library on
Halloween. Lot's of little lion kings and princesses,
plastic clowns and home made cookie monsters. All
hopped up on candy and good times all under the age of
5 and brimming with cuteness.
So far little Cinderella approached me at the computer
finger stuck up her little nose to the knuckle to
inquire, rather loftily I might add as would befit a
princess, as to what I am doing and if she could be of
service. And little Harry potter keeps peering over at
me and bursting into tears before running away only to
begin the entire process again. Oh, and tiny Pat
Metheny, yes, Ross, I think the child was attempting
to be Pat Metheny or possibly the Hamburglar (it's
truly hard to tell the difference, honestly, you try
it!) almost tripped me on the stone steps. To be fair
that was when I really knew, in my heart of hearts,
that this whole library Halloween excursion was just a
plain old bad idea. But hind sight, as they say,
really is 20 20. So in I went. And here I am.
SURROUNDED.
SAVE ME.
e
In the words of Zoolander's great Mugatu "I think I'm
taking crazy pills!"

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2006-10-21T15:19:00.000-05:00

Zim's Crack Creme

2006-10-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

I love seattle

2006-10-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

Lovely Leipzig Mural

Flight Attendants just do it better...

2006-10-21T13:36:00.000-05:00

Flight Attendants just do it better than marines. We are, of course, talking about handling our liquor on airplanes, that is. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my marines! I LOVE bringing them home. But when certain East German layover city airports decide that they should open their arms and their airport bars to our boys, maybe they should consider not serve them Absinthe! Yes, my lovely marines, who have not seen a drop of alcohol in 6 months toasted beyond all belief on ABSINTHE on an airplane for many many hours. Imagine, if you will, an airplane filled with 350 or so marines that have seen neither a drop of alcohol or a civilian american woman in 6 months. Suddenly there are both. You can imagine. Let's just say, not pretty.
How will I ever get that smell of of my shoes?
e

From the mouths of babes...

2006-10-04T10:48:00.000-05:00
From the Mouths of Babes...You all know Ross.

"If he's a young jew, then I'm a Martian!"
-Recounting his meeting with a fellow Doctoral student after finding his difficulty spelled Korean name was phonetically pronounced "Young Jew"

I have been off work for so long now, work just seems like a distant memory or a bad dream. I am off till at least the middle of October. I have created so many weird things to fill my time. My favorite is a new game that I like to call "Will Ross Eat It. " This game involves putting all kinds of random things in a pie crust, baking it and calling it quiche. And, of course, seeing if Ross will eat it. So far, I have found nothing that Ross will not eat if it is called a quiche. I reccomend playing this game with your friends and roomates. It's great fun.

This weekend Ross and I are going to play a new game. It's called "What can we stuff in one tent." As we are novices at this game we are starting easy. We are attempting to stuff Me, Ross, Princess and Fluffy all in the one tent somewhere on coastal Rhode Island. Some call it camping!

Lots of pictures next week!
e

United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

2006-09-24T15:33:00.000-05:00

I'M JOINING.......
Our Government has finally seen the light!
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
Battle Cry - GET'R DONE!

Press Release:
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation
of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) Arkansas,
Arizona, Georgia,Kentucky,Michigan, Mississippi,
Missouri,Oklahoma, Tennessee,Texas and West Virginia
boys will be dropped off into Iraq given only the
following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don 't like beer, pickups, country music or
Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale
Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
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2006-09-12T16:32:00.000-05:00

Enjoy these images from the NY State Fair. For instance, I think that used to be a hot dog. But now it's just fair puke. How I love the fair.

2006-09-12T16:31:00.003-05:00

scary fair ride

2006-09-12T16:31:00.002-05:00

weird

2006-09-12T16:31:00.001-05:00

creepy butter sculpture

2006-09-12T16:31:00.000-05:00

Rapunzel (Jordan) and my midget slave (my niece destiny)

2006-09-12T16:30:00.000-05:00

Mike and Evil Spawn (my nephew shane)

2006-09-12T16:29:00.003-05:00

My last name all over there boobies!

2006-09-12T16:29:00.002-05:00

Poor little dirty duck in the road

2006-09-12T16:29:00.001-05:00

Deep Fried Twinkies

2006-09-12T16:29:00.000-05:00

Fresh Squeezed Lemonade

2006-09-12T16:28:00.003-05:00

Mike gets molested

2006-09-12T16:28:00.002-05:00

Ferris Wheel

2006-09-12T16:28:00.001-05:00

NY State Fair Midway at night

2006-09-12T16:28:00.000-05:00

Rapunzel on a ferris wheel. Let her Down!

2006-09-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

Hooters Smart Car in Landstuhl Germany. I kiss it!

Irony

2006-09-12T16:20:00.000-05:00
For those of you confused about the definition of irony:

Irony: The theme from Schindler's List playing loudly in the lobby of a five star hotel in Kuwait City.

Welcome to my world.

Any questions?

e

Yet Another Reason I Love Ross

2006-09-12T16:15:00.000-05:00
Okay kids, welcome to my world. And in my world it is yet another reason I love Ross time!

I love Ross BECAUSE...

He knows what speed the car must be going for optimum viewing of doggy head out of the window ear flapping.

He has, in fact, just informed me that the proper speed is 15-20 miles per hour.

Enjoy your day!

e