Vacation

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Note to a friend after a visit to Boston

I'm in Kuwait. That's possibly as far away from everything as I can get. And my hotel room, although fabulous, is completely trashed. 80's hair band drug fueled after party kind of trashed.

While looking over my wonderful mess with a deep appreciation and contented sense of accomplishment, not unlike what I imagine god felt after creating the heavens and earth from nothing, I couldn't help but notice 2 things. 1: I stole your light blue socks. That made me laugh. Especially since they were still a bit wet from the laundry when I packed them and after 24 hours they made my suitcase smell all rank and moldy. And 2: My hair really is EVERYWHERE! As much as I leave stuck in couches and beds it's really is a wonder that I have any left. How ever do they get it out between room occupants. I, for one, would never want to take that job on. But the idea of someone else having a naked monkey hotel room dance party surrounded by my DNA really freaks me out! It just isn't polite, I say!

I guess that you're right. Maybe I SHOULD wear a shower cap around the house. That'd be hot, right

HEBREWS

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says

.......... "HEBREWS"

School is Cool

I just finished my first knitting class with
this enormous older german woman named cindy. She's tall. It's all a bit overwhelming until you get used to it. She is teaching me how to make a really ugly scarf. I am talking ugly. When I told her that I wanted to learn to knit a really ugly scarf she looked at me like I was mad. She later asked if I was on drugs. That's when we bonded. Cindy and I are tight. That's because we are both very dedicated to knitting.

After I finish my scarf I am moving on to bigger and badder things. I have decided to knit the apocalypse. I know that myth usually involves more weaving and/or spinning (whatever that is) but I'm a modern girl and knitting just seems faster. And really, who the hell knows how to weave?

I'm sure it's rather obvious to you at this point that I am so hopped up on coffee
and ill will towards all man kind that I can hardly see straight. Cindy says that the knitting will either cure me and calm me or drive me "absolutely postal." Isn't she cute?

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Large Ass

Dear fans,

I am sad to report that Ask.com no longer respects my ass. I am no longer anywhere among the top pages of in the search for "large ass." Has my ass shrunk? Not that I am aware of. Damn you ask.com

You are breaking my heart.

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I am just so damned proud!

It has come to my attention that a huge majority of web surfers make it to my site via search engines. This, in and of itself, is not so much of a surprise. The part I find a shade bizarre is what they are searching for.

I am proud to tell you that www.ask.com is a wonderful referrer. Unfortunately, who they refer are people searching for, get this a "large ass." No, you didn't misread. Try it. Click on over to ask.com and type in "large ass," and there I am 5th or so from the top! A few sites beneath http://www.bigbuttgals.com/ and www.bigbutt-tv.com.

I am just so proud!

Google, those bastards, don't even have me in the top million.

I owe all my blog traffic to my very large ass! I knew one day that it would make me proud!

I would like to take a minute to thank all of you perverts over at Ask.com for being the glue that holds my ass (oops, I meant blog) together. Never change.

e

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Square America Snapshots

Square America Snaps

I am just a little bit in love with this site. Please Check it out!

Things to tell your doctor during your colonoscopy

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!



2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"



3. "Can you hear me NOW?"



4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"



5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."



6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"



7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."



8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"



9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!



10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."



11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"



12 . "God, now I know why I am not gay."



And the best one of all..



13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

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Portrait of a Princess (our gi-normous beagle)

Fluffy Schmutzer

Definitive, uncontrovertible proof that Ross loves his lawn equipment far, far, too much. (He is the artist behind this thoughtfully composed portrait, not I.)

Hopewell NY

Scary shit you can find at Ross's mother's house

Scary shit (part 2)

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-ma il program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to c ause me instant death when it bites my behind.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.





Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

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JC Penney 1977: A simpler time

A Simpler Time



A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog
fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it,
right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next
dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old
barrels:



Also, I am totally getting this for my
bathroom:



There's plenty more home furnishings where those
came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to
bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get
your ass kicked in elementary school:



Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for
your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops
have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits,
grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in
high school:



This kid looks like he's pretending to be David
Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone
knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get
your ass kicked on the golf course:



This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the
description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the
house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing
around your cell in D-block. Even
then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made
you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against
ass-rapery.

Here's how to get your ass kicked
pretty much anywhere:



If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like
Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case,
he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened -
or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his
matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at
the beach:



He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know
it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your
ass kicked in a meeting:



If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I
believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including
termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange
jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every
day up to and including St. Patrick's Day



Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color
exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles
unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In
this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.



As does your search for chest hair.

And this
-- Seriously. No words.



Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are
What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the
snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the
pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers
outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples
to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?





I am especially fond of this one, which I have
entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."



And nothing showcases your everlasting love more
than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a
look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that
fabric."



Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your
one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:



I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from
this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you
with these tasteful little numbers:



Man, that's sexy.

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Whipped: The Magazine For Men Who Don't Make the Decisions

Where ever do I find one?

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Hmmm.

I have just been asked to appear in a fashion show.

And you all thought having a huge ass and being close to midget sized in height (though still shocking gorgeous of course) would hinder my plot to take over the world of fashion. Be afraid. I am coming.

I AM the next big thing. Or maybe the next little thing.

Now the question that remains is can I actually walk in high heels? Without falling? Not too sure about that one.

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Chester and chuck

 

Mmmmm...Beer...

Halloween Pets

I really am rather good looking. It's genetic. Thanks Mom!

BMW Girl drives a Toyota Rav 4? Huh?

Shoes, glorious shoes! at the Stormville columbus day flea market.

Ross is too cool for school in his brokedown $5 Paris Hilton glasses.

I bet you didn't know that Ross and I are secretly superheroes.

Pumpkin Head! At Crystal Caves in Pennsylvania

Be afraid. I vant to suck your blood!

I don't know about you, but this sure makes me hungry. Multiple mammal sandwich. Mmm mmm Cabelas.

Finally, Ross found a non dead animal at Cabelas!

Even a snowman has got the right to protect hisself now, don't he?

Ross get's down with his bad ass Amish self. Finally, the beard makes some sense! He has petitioned to change his name legally to Jebediah. Motion pending.

Cabelas: A red neck paradise. Deer beware!

C'mere Deer