My new Favorite Reader

This is a love post to my new favorite blog reader:

You know who you are. You found me by search engine. Of all the sites on all the web you chose mine. And how did you find me?

Your search words were: SEA LION PORN

What in the name of all that is holy were you looking to find? Is there some weird niche that I am not even aware that I tapped into? Are people out there desperately looking for a virtual place they can get together and share their loves of sea lion porn? If so, I am honored to be that place.

Come back, dear reader! Come visit often. I await your return!

erika
p.s. Hey there. I have some movies you might like. You know, sea lion porn movies...For a pirce that is. I do love you wildly, but a girl has to make a living, now doesn't she?

Why don't you just pee in the bidet?

What's up with bidets? Italians just love em! I just don't get it. First you pee in the toilet. I get that. But then you move over to the bidet and are forced to squat quite low to hose down your bits and piecesf. Why can't you just pee in the damn bidet? Or better yet, screw the bidet! WHo needs it. The Japanese really got it right. They have the most amazing toilets. Each one has a myriad of buttons with insane pictures on them. One heats the seat for you. Another activates a tiny sprayer that extends out and hoses your dirty bits for you. You can even choose a warm water wash or a cold. But who would ever want the cold water option. I guess it would really wake you up inthe morning, if that's what you're into. Some Japanese toilets even have a vibrate feature! Although I can not forsee a need to vibrate whilst pooing, someone must have, or it probably wouldn't exist, right?

Anyways, I'd love to blather on but I've begun to bore myself. I am back in the states for now!

e

Fluffy goes to prison

Yesterday Fluffy went to prison. This is Fluffy for those who haven't met the newest addition to Ross's and my freaky furry family. And yesterday she went to prison. She spent the night in the clink. And, according to Ross at least, she is horribly traumatized and it is all my fault. I let her out. She ran away while I was peeing. She ran all the way to our next door neighbors yard. We are talking 100 or so feet. The horrible neighbor neighbor lady saw her and immediately called the cops who then called the pound to come get her. And off FLuffy went to prison.

Imagine this, is you will. Fluffy in your yard. She is wearing a huge fan style collar to keep her from scratching herself. She looks ridiculous but oddly enough she's still kind of cute. You see her. DO you a: cart your cookies next door and ask if she is missing or B: SEND POOR FLUFFY TO DOGGY PRISON!!!! Neighbor lady sucks! Her cat is always in our yard. Next time I see him maybe I will call the pound to come get him. Because obviously that is the nonsensical thing to do, so why not!

Free Fluffy!

On another note: My cab driver is not wearing shoes. And he's singing. God hates me and wants me to be miserable. THis is obviously the only explanation.

Mental Drippings

I have nothing but Mad Love for Tino here. But please check out Mental Drippings for the 10 worst album covers of all times. I giggled so hard I might have peed myself a little bit. And I was at the library!

e

Refugee

Recently I flew refugees of Lebanon. I helped old women to the bathroon and kept a steady stream of tissues to a quietly sobbing young mother. I learned what it is to be a refugee. I learned this from children. Rayane is 10 and Leah is 9. Melanie is three and she has the eyes of a beaten puppy. She rests on my hip as we walk down the aisles singing softly. She speaks only French so we sing Frere Jacque because it is the only french I know. Rayane tells me what it is like to sleep on the ground with strangers at a fair ground for days. And Lea describes the process by which she chooses which few of her belongings might fit inside of her knapsack. Elise is 8. She clings to my waist and tells me over and over that she loves me. And old women kisses my hand as she boards the plane.

Many of these people have no idea where they are going. They arrived very late at night into Atlanta without any idea of what comes next. Some have family and friends to stay with. But many more ask me where california is. They ask me what I know of Boston or New York. When they talmk to me of Minnesota I try and stear them back to the warmth. They are a warm blooded people. The children ask me about snow.

I give them what I can. I give them countless glasses of water and juice and all of the food and chocolate I can find. I listen quietly to those who need to talk. I hold babies and sing. I softly stroke the hair of the scared little girl and I hold the arm of the old women as she stumbles slowly and painfully to the dirty bathroom. But then I go back to my nice clean hotel room and have a glass of wine. And I wonder if there was anything more that I could have done and I wish that there were.

Ross is avoiding me

Ross is avoiding me. Yes he is. He knows I want him to take me out tonight so he refuses to come home. But come home he must. After seven lovely years doesn't he yet know that I am much more evil the longer I am avoided? I go from plain old bitch to fire breathing satan bitch like that.

Wish him well kindly readers.

I am going to eat him alive.

When he shows up, that is.