I have lovely toes! They are perfect and painted pink. Not a barbie pink, nor are they a ballerina pink. They are, in fact, the perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink! Perfect, I tell you.

I have searched the world long and hard to find the perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink. In fact, I think that the quest might have played a much larger role than I earlier acknowledged in my becoming a flight attendant. Yes, it is true. Sir Lancelot has his Holy Grail, and I, erika m, have my perfect toes. Life is rather random that way, isn't it?

But somehow, I feel a little empty now. I am in Fort Lauderdale, FL alone with my perfect toes. By all rights I should be over the moon, ecstatic. Yet all is not well. You see, on those long lonely nights that lie ahead, I have nothing to strive for. Success comes to me so easily it's almost not worth trying. When the perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink nail polish that you have traveled to all ends of the earth suddenly finds you in a strip mall nail salon in an atlanta suburb, it just doesn't feel like true success.

You see, that same perfect shade of Starburst Fruit Chew strawberry candy pink nail polish eluded me in the Grand Bazzare in Istanbul, and it swam just out of reach on the shores of Guam. It Hula'd twisitily out of my grasp in Hawaii and sang me a polka safely tucked out of reach on a the balcony of a beer garden in Leipzig. Always I have searched valiantly! Allways I have failed dramatically.

Did it have to be a strip mall? I kind of feel cheated, you know?

e

FADD: Flight Attendants Against Drunk Dating

FADD

Flight Attendants Against Drunk Dating

Because beer goggles are not a fashion accessory!

How many times have you been out and about and seen a silly gaggle of pretty girls talking animatedly with the local scumbag. And, if you were a guy, you thought, “Dude, what is wrong with the world. I am way cooler than that donkey testes! How can those fine young things not see it?”

Well I will tell you how. It's an insidious, evil, state of being that is often mis-credited as only a simple temporarily bad fashion disaster. But, you and I know better. It is so much more than that!! It is BEER GOGGLES!

Yes, ladies and gents, it is okay to shudder in shame. So many have fallen prey. SO many good men and women have a lovely night on the town only to wake the next morning and turn over to find CHEWBACA next to them! Oh the horror. The shame.

This is why I started FADD. Not for me. For all of us. So no one will ever have to wake up next to Chewbaca again. Unless of course that's what they're into.

(In which case, it must be said that Chewbaca need a little loving too. So get you're freak on, wild child! )

We all owe it to ourselves to join this organization.

We, together with the flight attendants of the world, can stop this horrible morning after tragedy. We can DO THIS!!

Together

Things I have Learned, recently

Things I have learned, recently.

See ross? See Snarf on top of Ross's mama made, chocolate, 31st birthday cake? That is love. The best sort. Love comes in many forms. For Ross, the best forms sometimes include Snarf. That's why he is my favorite wierdest person on the entire face of the earth.

Buildings should have walls. SOme in New Orleans still don't.

If you throw a bunch of crap in the street the street gets really really gross and dirty. (Early Mardi Gras season, New Orleans)

Shannon has no boyfriend. She doesn't mind this in the least. But I must say, Shannon and Bat Man. It just works. Really.

Under no circumstances should you allow this to be done to you! Ever. Learn from this poor girls mistake. This is never good.

Mother Cluckers in New Orleans, LA. Only there.

This has to be the most confusing walk/do not walk sign I have ever seen. I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to decide whether to cross or not cross the street. Once again, only in New Orleans.

Desert Island, Maine

I Love Desert Island, Maine! Go there!

Desert Island, Maine
Roadtripping around The Quiet Side

Desert Island, Maine
Shipwreck Trail

Views from the Shipwreck Trail

Things I have Learned This Week

Things I have Learned This Week

It is often said that life is all about learning and that the world is just a enormous classroom full of dunces, or some crap like that. I don't know if I believe that, as I try very hard not to believe in anything much. But if I did suddenly wake up with a sunny new perspective on all things “faith related” and suddenly developed a propensity to believe all sorts of stupid shit, I would be obligated to share with you what I had learned this week, right? I digress:

Things I have Learned This Week

Thing 1: When visiting a thrift store at a monastery that is staffed mostly by drug addicts (yes it's a treatment center) located next to a nun cemetery you probably shouldn't discuss where you live in detail. Of course, this came to me hours after said discussions.

Thing 2: When enjoying a coffee in said drug addict staffed, monastery thrift store and said drug addict calls You crazy, you probably are crazy. They would know, wouldn't they.

(What do you call a rock guitarist out side of rehab? HOMELESS!)

And yes, a drug addict guitarist told me that little gem of a joke! Who new drug addicts had such lovely senses of humor?

Thing 3: When said drug addict guitarist tells you that you are addicted to books and really need to interact with humans more often, he is probably right. He would know, wouldn't he?

Thing 4: Do not watch CSI Miami and try to eat, in the dark. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! If ever there was a better diet aid, I don't know of it!

Thing 5: If you are a shitty singer on American Idol and you really don't want to get eliminated despite the fact that you suck, take slutty pictures of yourself and make sure that someone ex boyfriend leaks them to the internet!

(For that last one, I can't take the credit. For that little bit of wisdom we must thank Antonella Barba, the evil, talentless, satan spawn that has made me lose faith in the modern singer. And yes, I am a bit jealous.

Although I truly doubt it, (I am a disbelieving hater, after all) some small part of me hopes that I have enriched your lives, at least a little bit. Okay, okay, who am I kidding?

In any event,

e

Syracuse Barbies

For those of you who don't know, I am originally from Syracuse NY. It doesn't matter that I haven't actually lived there for nearly ten years, Syracuse, NY is just one of those places that you never really get out of your system. Kind of like a virus.

Lately I seem to be inundated with email from my favorite Syracuseans about Syracuse. This particular little gem is so funny I just feel compelled to share it with you. Aren't you lucky!

This is for all the Syracuse girls and boys out there that read my blog on those rare occasions that I get around to updating it. And for those of you non Syracuse kids, consider this a valuable travel guide in case you one day choose to visit. It's alarmingly accurate.From the lips of Barbie herself:

Mattel recently announced the release of the improved limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Syracuse market:

Manlius Barbie: This princess Barbie is sold only at Fayetteville Towne Center. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Manlius Barbie is easily exchanged, and occasionally mistaken for Skaneateles Barbie.

Baldwinsville Barbie: The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Northside Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Skaneateles Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Oswego Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

Fulton Barbie: This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Oswego Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Westcott Street Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks , or combat boots with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Northside Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

South Side Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Salina Street Barbie/Ken: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

Vocabulary Lessons

Vocabulary lessons
Courtesy of Assasination Press

Dendrophilia: sexual attraction to trees.

Agalmatophilia: an attraction to statues or mannequins.

Oculolintus: the act of licking a partner's eyeball.

Visit Assasination Press for more lovely vocab lessons

It's Your Fault! You just had to wash them and make them all clean!

Things overheard at my house today:

Ross, where have you been keeping my purse empire? It smells funny and I don't like it!
-erika


You have a purse empire?
-Ross

It's not my fault that you just had to wash them and make them all clean!
-Ross (referring to the single pair of jeans that he would even consider wearing. At the time he was hopping about in his underpants looking late and annoyed.)

Yes! I found my ''Jesus 2000" hat!
-Ross


It's like a cape for your boobs!
-Ross

Destiny, you shouldn't date boys at all. Only date girl's. At least till you graduate college!
-Ross and Erika on learning that my niece Destiny (15 and a freshman) has a boyfriend who is a SENIOR!


You only love me cause I pick up the(dog) poop!
-Ross

Woof!
-Princess and Fluffy

American Idol Release Form

American Idol has been way on my mind lately. I really hate it for this. I just creeps in every year at the same time and leaves a lingering crusty smell in my mind until spring. And this year it is particularly bad. Some jack ass has pointed out to me that next season (season 7) will be my final chance to audition. I will be 28. And some braniac over at FOX has decided that 28 is obviously the very limit of youthful glow. It makes a girl feel damn old.

Okay, so those of you that know me know how strongly I feel about American Idol. I generally refer o it with the same caustic fear and distrust that I have only reserved for karaoke in the past. MUSICAL PROSTITUTION, I tell you! So I have copied, for you enjoyment and horror, my favorite bits of the release form. This is the form that you are required to sign merely to audition for the damn show. Enjoy!

I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that Producer shall have the right to (a) include any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in the Program as edited by Producer in its sole discretion, and (b) to broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.

Geesh! Bring on the public ridicule, humiliation and condemnation! BRING IT ON!

Here's to you AMerican Idol! Here's to you!

She has Issues, I tell you!

Okay, I think that princess has issues. Those of you that know her would obviously look at me and say “DUH! She's a psycho beast from hell. Of course she has issues!”

Of these issues I am well aware. I am talking about NEW issues, of course.

You see, Princess has actively taken up singing. Yes, kids, I do mean singing. She LOVES to sing. I kid you not. Whenever I start singing she bounds over from whatever rooms she happens to find herself in to stand at my side, nose way way way up in the air, howling along.

At first I thought that she didn't like Bonnie Raitt, or maybe Christmas music. And really, who could blame her for hating Christmas music? Does anyone really like the 12 days of Christmas? It goes on for eons! And what in the hell does “Fa la la la la” really mean?

But lately this bizarre dog sing along has escalated way out of control. Really. Every time I sing scales for warm up or attempt a bar of any tune princess immediately starts yowling along. I swear, she is even trying to yowl in the same key that I am in. It's eerie.

But, in truth, I can not say that I am surprised to see princess trying to steal my thunder. Yes, I know this may sound weird, but I am pretty damn convinced that she is trying to steal Ross, as well. It does make sense. She's always flirting with him, she howls and barks till he comes out of our room in the early morning to sleep with her on the couch. She gets annoyed and jealous when I come home from work trips. And she always tries to sit in the front seat next to Ross when we are all in the car together.

As Ross is fond of saying that she is only one IQ point short of human she obviously thinks that it is time for her to get a boyfriend, too. Mine, actually.

And this is only step one in her nefarious plan.

e

Satan Shoes

You all know Payless, right? You know, that crazy little purveyor of cheap but colorful footwear. Knock offs of knock offs. As a general rule, if Payless has mass marketed a trendy shoe, it is a trend that is over, way way over. I mean, really, think about it now? Have you ever seen a pair of Payless shoes and just had to have them? Have you ever wandered the yellow aisles of faux leather and the dirty bare feet of strangers with the guilty reverence generally reserved only for that one time a year you manage to make it to church? Would you kill for them, even?

Yeah, me neither. Or that's what I thought until today, that is. It all started with a commercial on the television. A commercial of pretty girls, girls with perfectly toned and tanned mid sections and pleasantly painted toes. Girls wearing shoes. PAYLESS SHOES. And then, enters a perfectly pampered set of feet. But these feet are different. These feet, I say, are not just any feet. How could they be? These lovely anonymous perfectly painted feet are firmly ensconced in just the cutest pair of bright red wedge espadrilles. And these espadrilles are just brimming over with the most adorable little white polka dots. Loads and loads of 'em! No one needs quite that many perfect polka dots.

And could it possibly be mere coincidence that I happen to have the the most perfect little 1940's inspired red dress that just happens to be brimming over with oodles and oodles of white polka dots? And, of course, I must not forget to mention that both dress and shoe match perfectly in both color and composition. Coincidence? I think not! This, my friends, could only be the work of Satan.

Imagine! Satan, in all his soul searing glory is demanding that I go out and buy Payless shoes! There really is no other possible explanation, I'm sure of it. I might even be possessed by the demon himself! Don't laugh! It really would explain many things. I mean, how else could you possibly explain my strange fixation on 20 dollar shoes? This is me, I am a shoe snob! And Payless, generally, is the embodiment of all that a shoe snob deplores. Star Jones advertises for them! Does anybody out there like Star Jones? Only Satan. And BOGO. That is so the work of Satan! And anyways, what the hell is that shit, anyways? And couldn't they come up with a better advertising campaign?

What other proof do you need? Satan IS is eating my soul. One cheap red shoe at a time.

Peace.

Large Ass

It has come to my attention that I have a really large ass. We are talking an ass off collosal proportions, here. I guess this comes as no real surprise to those who know me well. But I must say, it often comes as a rude shock to me.

Okay, I am done bitching. As you lovely ladies out there can probably guess, I have been jeans shopping again. Actually, I have been jeans shopping rather consistently for nearly 2 straight months! I AM SO SICK OF SHOPPING FOR JEANS!!!

Always, I have unexpectedly found a new favorite pair ay exactly the right moment that my older favorite pair was falling to shreads around my ankles. This works for me, it really does. I don't like making decisions. For instance, my current favorite pair happened to already be waiting for me in a consignmrnt shop in Santa Monica just off the promenade. I wasn't even looking for jeans! Some girl had tried them on for herself and left them discarded over a rickety old chair in the dressing room.

I guess her ass was just too small for them. (God, I love saying that!)

But those lovely dark wash, low rise, boot cut, well worn, masterpieces of denim artistry have more holes than swiss cheese. Even their patches need patches, for god's sake!

What is an international flight attendant girl to do? Jeans are, undoubtedly, the most important part of my packing regimin. One pair must be perfect for every occasion! They must dress up well, they have to know how to slum with the best of em.

Help me, please! My legs are lonely and cold. It's just too damn cold out for dresses!

Please Visit Engrish.com It is simply to good a site not too.

things that ross doesn't know about ross

I would like to devote this post to things that Ross doesn't know about Ross: Or more correctly, things that Ross doesn't know about his date and/or month of birth, which happens to be February 14th. Yes, he is my funny valentine.

Thing 1: Ross is really rather lucky. Not only is his birthday Valentines day, but more importantly it is both Ferris Wheel Day and National Heart to Heart Day. Screw Valentines Day! Who needs it? Not Ross, that's for sure!

I have to assume that someone somewhere cares about either of these holidays. I, unfortunately, do not.

Thing 2: February is also National Grapefruit Month. Why is it called a grapefruit anyways. It is not a grape, not at all., I am confused. But Ross, he is most certainly a fruit.

Thing 3: Oh, don't you go forgetting National Snack Food Month. No, this would not do. Certainly not!

Thing 4: Oh, let us not forget National Canned Food Month! Where would we be without that. This might go a long way in explaining Ross's obscene addiction to Chef Boyardee food like products. I mean, why else would anyone eat that dog food smelling sodium paste shit. Yes, I see, I see. Hm. Maybe now I can begin to forgive. Or, maybe not. I mean, ahev you smelled that shit? Sardines, these I can forgive. But Chef Boyardee? I think not!

Yes, this post is a product of extreme jet lag. I make no apologies.

Peace out.

e

Leipzig, Germany

Dear Daddy,

I am at a gay bar in leipzig Germany. Yes, daddy, it is a gay bar. And yes, daddy, I am still not gay. A gay bar with email, no less. How cool is technology, right? Did you know that I look good in a studded collar? I really do, daddy! But I am still not gay. I am just going to hell.

I'm okay with that.

I expect that that the music is fab.

And god knows that christian music is horrifyingly bad.

I hope that you are okay with this.

I still love you. I hope you still love me. Even though I am most assuredly going to hell.

e

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