World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Our Love Fern Is Dying

Our Love Fern is Dying

Our love fern is dying! You know, that first house plant that a couple buys together. It really doesn't have to be a fern. In fact, I have no idea what the hell kind of plant our love fern actually is. But I do know that it's supposed to be indestructible. Kind of like Jesus or Twinkies, maybe.

You have one too, don't you? You know, for years you don't even notice that it's there and you have no idea how it survives as neither of you ever admit to watering the fool thing. But after nearly half a decade of taking it totally for granted you wake up one day and realize that you kind of find its presence nice, comforting even, like oatmeal or lawn mower magazines. I mean, if you think about it, it's been with you both from almost the beginning. Longer than your favorite t shirt or episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer even. (In case you were wondering, mine is that god awful musical episode from season six. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a bad musical.) And one day you wake up and finally realize it for what it is; a marker of something vital and lovely in your life history. It's a visual reminder of a wonderful place in your relationship when it was new and squeaky clean. You remember, you used to actually get taken on dates then. And sometimes he even helped with the dishes. And right then you vow to take better care of it. Or at least to try and remember to water it once and a while.

And that, my friends, is exactly the moment that the damn thing starts to droop. And then it starts to turn yellow. And then, when most of it's leaves have finally finished turning that sickly, mushy looking shade of yellow, you know, the one that really doesn't look good with anyone's complexion, and most certainly doesn't go with your kitchen d├ęcor, that's when it's leaves start to turn brown and get all crusty. Now, admittedly, the brown crusty is an improvement in color and texture but you do realize that it doesn't really bode well for the health of your love fern. And somewhere in the midst of all this icky transformation you started to notice a weird whitish colored film spreading across the top of its soil.

And the more you try to care for it the worse it gets. And then you get pissed. And then you throw the damn thing away and replace it with a look alike all the while hoping Ross won't realize it but somehow hoping that he does. I mean, really, it is your love fern and all. You want him to bestow on it the same affection and care that you do, or did. But let's be real. Mostly you'd rather just get way with the switch. But just when you think that you've succeeded you look over at Ross only to see him eying the 'impostor' closely. And then he looks over at you and says, “That's not our love fern. What happened to our love fern? Did it die?” And your only response is “Aliens. It must have been aliens.”


All love ferns, disposal of love ferns, and Ross's appearing within these words are works of fiction and products of the author's imagination. They are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, persons or ferns, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.


The Management

Long Live Love!

Monday, November 13, 2006

Sample Conversations

You all remember Ross, right? Boyfriend
extraordinaire, rescuer of imprisoned dogs, runner of
mountains etc. he has all kinds of lovely qualities.
But you're not really interested in those, are you?
Me neither.

To be plain, I like odd men. And Ross is nothing if
not odd. Please enjoy this reinactment of a
conversation we had this afternoon:

Ross: Get Up!
Me: No! I'm sick.
R: Well at least get off me!
M: No! I'm sick.
R: Do something, already!
M: I just did, see? I rolled over.
R: Yeah, cause you're getting bed sores!
M: Nuh, uh. I'm hungry.
R: Okay, how about you play piano while I put
everything in the living room in a box. Then you can
go through it.
E: Um...??

Do you Yahoo!?
Everyone is raving about the all-new Yahoo! Mail beta.

Friday, November 10, 2006

How To Cook A Squirrel

For a New Yorker vegetarian (more or less) I must
admit that I have a truly weird and wonderful fixation
with squirrel recipes. It's inexplicable, really.
If you, too are plagued with inexplicable weirdness

Bon Apetit!

Squirrel Puree - anonymous

(great for ol' timers with no teeth)
Take a blender and a squirrel
Put squirrel in blend
Switch blender on
Blend until smoth
Serve and enjoy

Come to Jesus Organic Squirrel - anonymous

Shoot the squirrel that's been climbing on your bird
feeder. Feel slightly bad. Skin and remove innards.
Snap off squirrel hands-n-feet and keep them for key
chains, good luck charms, or run them down the
disposal. Keep disposal running... eventually they go
down. Clean, and soak squirrel in 6 dollar a gallon
organic milk overnight. Rinse, quarter, flash fry with
shallots and garlic. Season with rosemary and salt
place in oven at 350 for 35 minutes. Eat. Feel
connected to the cycle of life.

"Eat more squirrel." TS Elliot

Skwerl Avec Toothpaste - anonymous

1 skwerl (live if possible)
1 bottle orange soda
3 tablespoons peanut butter
1 coconut (whole)
1lb noodles (any)(uncooked)
toothpaste as garnish
TT cinnamon, lifesavers, pepperoni, and anchovies

add all ingredients together in stock pot, bring to
boil and keep boiling... serve in cardboard boxes and
eat on the bathroom floor along with the people who
live in your neighbors basement. enjoy!!

Slow Baked Mastadon Skwerl - Mr. Hammeroni

For this one, you will need a VERY large skwerl. At
least two or three hundred pounds or so.

Get in your time machine. Set the little digital
thingy for six million years BC. Trap one bushy-tail
sabertooth- muscle bound mastadon skwerl. Avoid
getting eaten by the skwerl.

Bring the skwerl back to the good old twenty-first
century, or maybe it will bring you.. Dig a
fifteen-foot hole. Add in order:

- Two cords of wood
- Five gallons of kerosene.
- Light the wood.
- Partially cover the fire with ten or twenty large
rocks, to absorb the heat and slowly cook the monster.
- Soak the beast in five gallons of barbecue sauce,
one cup of cayenne pepper, and a half a pound of salt.
Salt is optional. Wrap in ten layers of banana leaves.
- Place prepared skwerl on the now hot rocks, and
cover the hole with as many other large rocks as you
can find.
- Dig it up in about a week, it should be nice and

World Salvation Skwerl - anonymous

Catch as many squirrels as possible... how you do
this. peanut butter in a microwave. wen they enter the
microwave start to microwave the squirrel. put it on
for at least 7 minutes 30 seconds. by this time the
squirrle should have no fur and his skin should be
bubbling. this is only the warning. if you put it on
for another minute or so you can blow it up and you
got instant chinese food as well as saveing the world.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Istanbul not constantinople

Okay; why is it that I can not stay awake in Istanbul?
I really just don't get it. I am positively itching to get a chance to explore that amazing city, but invariably I am suddenly comatose as soon as I get to the hotel. I am truly ashamed. I am currently stuck in a different little Turkish town and I am wide awake. But as it is a cess pool I will stay inside.

I am mourning a wasted opportunity.

And now; I leave you with a song...


Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

So take me back to Constantinople
No, you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works
That's nobody's business but the Turks