World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns

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Friday, September 21, 2007

Friends

Confucius say...

Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.


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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I sure don't think I'm in Georgia anymore Eustace...

Things I have learned, again

Thing One

Tbilisi. Yes, yes, it does sound like a sneeze. You are pronouncing it correctly. I, on the other hand, am more than likely not spelling it properly. Anyways... Tbilisi. It's in Georgia. But it's really really really fricking far from Atlanta. Don't accidentally book your flight here. It's kind of like the Georgia you know but in a really very scary alternate reality. Okay, not really. But there are a ton of bottle blonds who wear far too much makeup there. So it sort of is.

THing two

Nothing kills a good breakfast buffet in the Middle East quite like Ramadan. Trust me.

THing Three

A proper bra really is the most important part of your outfit. Mom is right. Get the girls in line, kids. NObody likes a straggler!

Thing four

The hotel staff at nearly all hotels on any continent in the world will give you the exact same mocking look if you call them to fix your hairdryer and they arrive only to the find that the only problem your hairdryer has is that you are too stupid to push the On button properly. It's truly amazing how you can understand that you are being called a silly dumbass by nearly anyone in any country with just a look. And they say the language barrier is such a problem. I beg to differ!


Okay, kids. That's all for now. Peace out home fries.

e








Thursday, September 13, 2007

Yet another reason I have not yet disowned my oldest sister

There are many reasons why you should disown various family members. All of them are valid. Trust me. But today I am feeling positive. So instead of the litany I will, instead, provide you with this little gem that my big sis sent to me today.

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

SO, Lisa, you can stay. But don't press your luck! Love is, after all, rather finite.

xoxo
e
p.s. And if you send me the midget slave with any more stupid piercings...DEALS OFF!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I Love wd 40! Do you?

200 glorious uses for WD 40 (or is it nectar of gods?)
I think my personal favorite use is Removes lipstick from carpets
that's 120 for you lazy people

of course
Removes rollerblade marks from kitchen floor is also a personal favorite...

Choose your favorite and happy lubrication!
  1. Use to loosen rusty nuts and screws, clean garden tools
  2. Cleans piano keys
  3. Keeps wicker chairs from squeaking
  4. Lubricates small rolling toys
  5. Keeps garden tools rust-free
  6. Cleans patio door glide strip
  7. Removes crayon from clothes dryer (make sure to unplug dryer first)
  8. Removes scuff marks from ceramic tile floor
  9. Keeps metal wind chimes rust-free
  10. Removes crayon from walls
  11. Helps join plastic shelving to make disassembly easier
  12. Removes water spots from mirrors
  13. Lubricates hinge on pruning shears
  14. Lubricates screws on lawn furniture
  15. Lubricates hydraulic rams on slideout of 5th wheel
  16. Cleans fiberglass bathtubs
  17. Cleans and prevents rust on oil tank exterior
  18. Cleans and protects bed of wheelbarrows
  19. Prevents rust on swamp cooler nuts
  20. Removes tea stains from countertops
  21. Removes crayon from wallpaper
  22. Lubricates gate locks
  23. Removes crayon from carpet
  24. Removes tape marks from the wall where posters hung
  25. Shines leaves of artificial houseplants
  26. Keeps snow from sticking to shovel
  27. Removes coffee stains on floor tiles
  28. Keeps hose ends from corroding
  29. Lubricates moving parts on playground equipment
  30. Removes crayon from plastic
  31. Removes decals from bathtubs
  32. Removes old cellophane tape
  33. Removes crayon from shoes
  34. Cleans ashtrays
  35. Removes crayon from toys
  36. Cleans and protects underside of cast iron skillets
  37. Removes ink from carpet
  38. Keeps garden plant cages bright and rust free
  39. Cleans lawnmower blades
  40. Cleans and protects antique kitchen tools
  41. Prevents mildew growth on fountain
  42. Removes marks from floors left by chair feet
  43. Removes crayon from chalk boards
  44. Eliminates static on volume and tuning control knobs
  45. Cleans candle soot
  46. Removes ink from blue jeans
  47. Cleans residue on luggage handles
  48. Cleans old muffin tins
  49. Cleans and protects pruning shears
  50. Cleans gold-plated faucets
  51. Removes petroleum stains from clothing
  52. Keeps sewing needles from rusting
  53. Removes Kool-Aid stains from carpet and fabric
  54. Removes gunk from plastic dish-drainer
  55. Lubricates kitchen sink handheld spray nozzle
  56. Removes rust from curtain rods
  57. Removes adhesive from precious china
  58. Cleans bottoms of pots and pans
  59. Helps prevent rust on hide-a-key containers
  60. Cleans vinyl garage doors
  61. Cleans doggie doo from tennis shoes
  62. Removes gunk when replacing old faucets
  63. Cleans and protects medicine door latches
  64. Protects wrought iron from rust
  65. Removes tomato stains from clothes
  66. Prevents rust from forming on washing machines
  67. Keeps metal wire screens rust free
  68. Removes blue baked-on acrylic cover shields from acrylic windows
  69. Preventative maintenance on cooking burner
  70. Removes coffee stains from leather
  71. Protects electric pump on furnace
  72. Removes ink stains from leather
  73. Prevents corrosion on copper parts of fountain
  74. Lubricates folding parts of ironing board
  75. Removes rust from chair feet
  76. Cleans and polishes gold and brass lamps
  77. Removes adhesive price tag from shoe bottoms
  78. Keeps trigger on glue gun from sticking
  79. Cleans bed frame
  80. Protects shower heads from rust
  81. Protects silver from blackening
  82. Lubricates external pivots on lawnmowers
  83. Keeps blades from rusting on garden plow
  84. Cleans black streaks from hardwood floors
  85. Protects inner machinery in toilet against corrosion
  86. Removes paint from tile flooring
  87. Protects hand trowels from corrosion
  88. Cleans and protects pitchforks
  89. Lubricates screen channels upon installation of rubber bead
  90. Removes rust stains from bathroom tubs
  91. Cleans metal figurines
  92. Shines shower doors
  93. Protects patio door from sun damage
  94. Cleans mildew from refrigerator gasket
  95. Helps clean rust from wire shelves
  96. Cleans newspaper ink from tables
  97. Removes rust stains from floor after mopping
  98. Cleans and protects TV antenna
  99. Removes gum from wallpaper
  100. Penetrates and frees stuck toilet shutoff valve
  101. Spray on rototiller blades to prevent rust during off-season
  102. Cleans melted vacuum belt from carpeting
  103. Removes crayon from television screen
  104. Lubricates zippers on lawn mower grass catcher bags
  105. Cleans gunk from chain saws
  106. Prevents rust on metal patio chairs
  107. Removes crayon marks from glass
  108. Camouflages scratches in cultured marble
  109. Removes berry stains from patio furniture
  110. Removes gum stuck to concrete
  111. Cleans heavy dirt from shovels
  112. Cleans rust from metal exterior of speakers
  113. Coat outside pipes during winter to help prevent freezing damage or pipe bursts
  114. Removes glue deposits from linoleum
  115. Lubricates hinges on antique smoking stand
  116. Removes masking tape residue from linoleum
  117. Cleans gunk built up on doorknobs
  118. Removes stickers from credit cards
  119. Cleans smoke stains
  120. Removes lipstick from carpet
  121. Lubricates metal latches on chain link fences
  122. Removes melted scotch tape from dining room table
  123. Removes stains from coffee cups
  124. Removes crayon from screen doors
  125. Removes crayon from plastic tables
  126. Removes oil stains from nylon
  127. Spray on hula hoe swivels to clean & prevent corrosion
  128. Lubricates air holes before inserting hand air pump nozzle onto tires
  129. Keeps lawnmower wheels turning smoothly
  130. Keeps plant supports from rusting
  131. Removes gum from linoleum floor
  132. Removes strawberry stains from countertops
  133. Removes tar from shovels
  134. Keeps plant hangers from rusting
  135. Removes mascara from tile floors
  136. Erases marks caused by chair backs on running boards of wall
  137. Spray on silverware during unused periods to prevent tarnishing
  138. Clean black marks from shoes off the floor
  139. Removes labels from medicine bottles
  140. Removes wax from shoes
  141. Cleans chair wheels
  142. Cleans window sills
  143. Protects snow shovels from the effects of salt
  144. Cleans and protects washer lid
  145. Prevents corrosion on outdoor light fixtures
  146. Removes felt pen marks from floor
  147. Loosens valve stems on lawnmower tires
  148. Removes gum from aluminum siding
  149. Removes wax from vinyl surfaces
  150. Lubricates mixer gears
  151. Removes rollerblade marks from kitchen floor
  152. Adds moisture to and preserves ivory and bone items
  153. Keeps lawn mower carburetors free of gunk
  154. Removes Velcro stickers
  155. Polishes away scratches on countertops
  156. Lubricates vacuum cleaner roller brush
  157. Cleans gunk from base of toilet bowl
  158. Lubricates runners on porch glider
  159. Cleans roofing tar off circular saw blades
  160. Protects exposed metal parts on snow blowers
  161. Removes sticker residue from clothes
  162. Removes gum from flagpoles
  163. Keeps clay from sticking to shovels
  164. Prevents rake from rusting
  165. Removes laundry detergent stain from washer
  166. Polishes splash guards
  167. Cleans crayon off of rock walls
  168. Lubricates ball valve handle on sprinkler system
  169. Lubricates return springs on riding lawnmowers
  170. Keeps kitty-doo from sticking to electric cat-box rakes
  171. Removes dried toothpaste stains
  172. Removes silly putty from furniture
  173. Cleans lime stains from toilet bowls
  174. Spray on bottom 6 inches of wooden patio table to prevent mildew build up
  175. Removes glue from refrigerator
  176. Helps clean showers
  177. Cleans build up on hedge trimmers
  178. Lubricates gardening shears
  179. Cleans dog hair from sliding door rollers
  180. Removes marks-a-lot ink from most items
  181. Removes rust from cookie tins
  182. Keeps flower pots from sticking together when stacked in storage
  183. Removes gum from dryer lint screen
  184. Cleans tar from rubber water hoses
  185. Removes scuff marks from lawn furniture
  186. Removes rust stains from tile floors
  187. Lubricates lever on razor scraper
  188. Removes lipstick from fabric
  189. Cleans and lubricates the rubber surrounds on stereo sub woofers
  190. Spray down drain throat to remove scum
  191. Removes crayon from place mats
  192. Removes stubborn body oils and shampoo residue from bath mats
  193. Spray around bottom of garbage cans to prevent animals from getting in
  194. Removes oxidation from aluminum window frames
  195. Polishes and protects brass candlesticks
  196. Cleans music racks
  197. Cleans peanut butter from shoestrings
  198. Cleans and protects blades of pruning shears
  199. Cleans wood planter bed
  200. Cleans scum from rubber gloves
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