World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns

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Thursday, December 28, 2006

Special people Create Special posters!!!

Special people Create Special Posters!!!

This, of course, is what my 14 year old niece is
learning in student government. Isn’t that special?
And awesomely relevant to day to day life, I’m sure.
I bet that you didn’t know that.

Are you special? Because I am feeling special. That
is, if a murderous rage tempered only by a vague sort
of ennui can be truly considered special. My job is
driving me crazy! And this truly is an accomplishment
as I never even seem to work. My dad, he knows so
much about job insanity, he told me that all jobs are
like this. If this is so, I am ready for retirement.
Call me crazy, but I still believe that your job
should not suck the very life out of you and leave you
an empty, trembling husk of flaky skin and halitosis.

Somebody, find me a job!

According to and oh so effectively made poster that my
niece owns about, what else, effective poster making
for special people and posters or some such silliness:
And based on the fact that we have all already decided
that I more than likely fill the basic requirements
for specialness I think that we should explore the
other tenets of the special poster people making
bible. Whew! That was a mouthful.

Here goes:

Tenet number one: Attract attention.

I can do that. I have BIG BOOBS! They attract
attention. My niece is equal parts horrified and
mesmerized by them. They frighten her.

MOVING ON

Tenet number two: Hold a Viewers interest

This, too I think that the boobs cover. Okay, maybe
not. But I do tend to say insane things to strangers.
And often, they are horrified and oddly mesmerized
waiting to see what sort of debauched blasphemy will
pore out next. And, this, my friends, holds a persons
interest. I am sure of it.

Tenet number three: Create a memory

Hm. I do tend to go to wild parties in foreign
countries and take lots of crazy pictures of my
girlfriends. Aren’t pictures of nights that were
probably better forgotten really just memories for all
the world to see? And besides, if I didn’t put of
those pictures of my friends and I then I would never
have experienced the joys of a conversation with my
dad the highlights of which were his asking me if I
might be gay. Trust me, you haven’t truly bonded with
your daddy until you have sat at a bowling alley diner
and been asked if you are gay.
(the answer is, unfortunately, no in case you too are
wondering)

See! Right now, you and I dear reader, we are creating
a memory.

Memories! CHECK!

Tenet number four: Urge Action of a Viewer

Okay, viewer, I URGE you to FIND ME A NEW JOB. One
that doesn’t regularly leave me curled up in a ball in
a dirty corner eating my own hair and murmuring
unintelligible obscenities at colorful bits of free
form pocket lint.

Okay. I think that I have met all the required tenets
of special poster making people specialness. And I
want you to know, that I don’t’ feel any better. All
of this work none of the glory.

In conclusion, I think that we have proved
conclusively one: that work sucks. Two: posters suck.
And three: I am NOT GAY.

Peace out homies!

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Saturday, December 09, 2006


Black Eye Collage - Just because I can! Posted by Picasa

Artistic Shiner Shot Posted by Picasa

Shiner - Day 1 Posted by Picasa

Shiner- Day 2 Posted by Picasa
Improbable Running Injuries

Okay, I have a serious shiner. My left eye is turning colors I find hard to color coordinate the rest of my outfits around. And it's getting harder and harder to be fashionable these days. Of course, it doesn't help that I can't lift my left arm high enough to change my own shirt without serious pain. Oh and let me tell you about trying to put on a bra. Not so easy one handed, boys. I know that you are all so proud of your ability to take em off that way, but I offer up to you a challenge. Try putting a bra on one handed. Impossible, as far as I can tell.

How, you might ask, do I come to find myself in this sorry state? Well, I know this is hard to believe, but this is a running injury. Yes, running...not cliff diving or mountain climbing. Not sky diving or scuba diving. Running. Who knew physical fitness was so dangerous!

So, Ross and I ran errands today. We hit the grocery store, the laundromat and had lunch. And although my purple eye garnered quite a few stares, I am kind of upset that no one tried to stage an intervention or even ask me about it. You see, I have all kinds of stories to explain it. Like, “My boyfriend hits me. Can you make him stop?” or maybe “ Dude that chick was big and mean but you should see what I did to her face!” But no, no opportunity arose. No one asked. On the bright side, Ross did receive a few nasty glares. But no one offered to beat him up for me.

Maybe next time.

I am, of course, keeping a full day by day pictorial journal of the colors that my left eye is to achieve. I hope you enjoy the pics as much as I do. It's my first black eye!

Ross's response to my injuries, as those who know him might imagine, is to militantly require that I wear a full football helmet on all future runs. He also has decided that it would be best for me to live in a fully Nerf covered dwelling.

But I think that mom said it best when she she said “Erika, honey, you really shouldn't run with your head. It's more an activity that involves feet.”

But if I listened to mom, then how would I be possibly the only person ever to sustain a black eye and knock themselves unconscious as a result of a running injury?

e

I am concussed, I say!

I am concussed, I say!

Yes, it is true. Many are the perils of physical fitness! Especially when you are me or have the grace of me. Which is to say, none. I admit it. I am totally graceless. If I were a super hero I would be 'Destructo the benign!' Benign because I only seem to injure myself in my many adventures and so pose no dangers to the world around me.

For example: Today, while jogging 'Destructo the Benign' managed to remove 2 minutes from her jogging time! She was quick! Not unlike painfully slow moving lightning. But then, with the end in sight Boom! Crash! Slide! Down, Destructo goes. Hard! Like an elephant suddenly and inexplicably without legs. She gallantly lifts herself up and limps on home to the 'Destructo Lair' to nurse her wounds only to realize that she can't exactly see straight and that she has a lump on her left eye brow bone the size of a turtle. And her head, it hurts like hell! She sighs as she puts a bag of magic frozen cranberries on her head and calls her daddy for moral support.

Once again 'Destructo the Benign' has wreaked her own special brand of specialness on the world. She's destroying herself one running injury at a time to teach the world about the perils of physical fitness. She hurts, so you don't have to! Yes, gentle inhabitants of the natural world, it is all for you. And it's all just another day's work for 'Destructo the Benign.'

e

Dear readers, the author is not responsible for any words in this blog entry as she is concussed and has a very bad headache and is not allowed to sleep. And she has a big bump over her left eye and looks pretty damn stupid. Really isn't fair you know...
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