World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns

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Friday, July 29, 2005

Wedded Bliss

Hurray! Gabby is married! I am recovered. Why is it that major family events are so great but leave you utterly drained? I love the fam and it was wonderful to see them, but damn! I haven't moved in days. I sleep in late but still I wake up tired. Today I finally woke up feeling rested. And now it begins again as today is Ruth's (my boyfriend Ross's little sister) rehearsal dinner with a wedding to follow tomorrow evening. Ross took pity on me and let me stay home this evening. I never would have allowed him that. He is a good man. And I am terrifyingly mean to him. He must get off on it or something. Sick boy. Having been witness to all of the woman in my family terrorizing their respective men at Gabrielle's wedding last weekend I, at least, know that I am not the exception. We are all terrible brats. No wonder Ross is a distance off road runner who prefers to run up mountains. That way he is assured that there is no way in hell I'd chase him on my bike! I'm way too lazy for that sort of exertion. On another note: Ross referred to our enormously fat and ill-tempered beagle Princess (hell no! we did not name her she has Ross' s sister Ruth to thank for that) as "his disgusting little baby." So I guess that I am not the only bitch subject to Ross's desultory pet names. He refers to me as either his "toxic farm animal" or sometimes if I don't shave often enough for his taste as "his porcupine cactus." I'm not telling you what I call him because he sometimes reads this and he would be mad.

Monday, July 25, 2005

not my usual style

for all those in need of a personalized battle cry!!!



What Is Your Battle Cry?

Lo! Who is that, skulking along the fields! It is Akire6279, hands clutching a jeweled meat hammer! And with a spectacular grunt, her voice cometh:

"You in some shit now, muhfuh! Skulls will be fucked for Satan!!"

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Gospel Mimes

I am the best maid of honor ever. Before you go getting all huffy about it let me explain myself. In short, my lil sis got married in July in South Florida at a hotel. At some point about mid reception I spotted a good sized group of kids in the lobby dressed all in black with white painted faces. Mimes! I love mimes! After chatting up there leader (head mime, isn't that a cool job) I deduced, firstly, that they were to perform at this enormous family reunion in the conference room across the way. And secondly, that not only were they mimes, they were "Gospel Mimes" who perform to christian rock! Twenty five dollars later they were booked to come immediately to my sisters reception as surprise performers. They rocked! Have you ever been to a wedding that has mimes? Let alone "gospel mimes"? I told you that I rock!

Please tell me about some crazy wedding happening that you have been apart of or have witnessed. The more bizarre the better!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Bee Stung Lips

Last night I learned a new technique to acquire the sexy 'bee stung' lip look. First, enjoy a lovely glass of wine while lounging on a sofa. Next, chat gaily with your soon to be married adorable little sister about who can not sit near whom on account of the cops being called in to end their violent affair. Next, ignore angry little yapping dog causing said dog to launch itself head first at your face in a fit of pique connecting with your lip in the most unpleasant of ways. Next, enjoy the benefits of crazy inflammation and spend the next hour with ice on your lip to cool that oh so tingly sensation of almost having put your teeth through your lower lip. It does hurt to be beautiful.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Birthcontrol

My 13yr old niece and 15yr old nephew are visiting for the week. They are teaching me all kinds of things. For example today they taught me about throwing fart balls. For all you virgin fart ballers out there I'll give you a quick lesson: First you fart. As you are doing this you try and catch the rancid smelling air in the palms of your hands and trap it there. Then you quickly lob through the air at some poor unsuspecting individual (or your sister, brother or aunt). Then you run like hell cackling maniacly until you have reached the safety of a door to a room that has a good strong lock. Then your brother/sister/aunt hunts you down and beats the living tar out of you. And this, kids, we call birthcontrol. (for me at least). What exactly does one do to amuse a 13 and 15yr old?

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Not for Gabrielle's Eyes

There is a special place in fashion hell for the creator of the dye to match brides maid shoe. I just received mine in the mail. They are pink. They have sparkly stones on them. Enough said. I still love you lil sis. But I swear I am getting a pedicure with skulls and crossbones on my toes the day before your wedding.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

boring...

Okay kids, it hurts me to say this, but my blog is BORING! The layout that is. THe problem is that I know absolutely nothing about that sort of thing. I am looking for layout and template suggestions. Or just suggestions about how to improve it in any way. It is my baby. And nobody wants to have the ugly baby, right?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


Gin and limes on the grocery conveyor belt at Safeway in London. A perfect start to a perfect evening. Posted by Picasa

The girls after and evening of copious gin consumption in Canterbury England Posted by Picasa

Gina harassing horny teens at a night club. They had no idea she was there. Posted by Picasa

Flight Attendants behaving oddly Posted by Picasa

Adult Careers Guidance, who knew? Posted by Picasa

St. Aug's Posted by Picasa

St. Aug's Posted by Picasa

Flowers growing out of the ruins at St. Aug's Posted by Picasa

Shannon and Me at St Aug's  Posted by Picasa

Canterbury Posted by Picasa

Abbotts (something or other hotel) in Canterbury. Each room was wildly different and most looked as if Laura Ashley vomited all over them. Fun Fun. We loved it. Posted by Picasa

Canterbury England

I survived the trip to Canterbury insurance salesmen and all. I guess death by irony is a fate saved for the even more sarcastic souls then I. I did manage to take some fun photos of St Augustine's Abbey which dates from about 589 AD and a few goods shots of flight attendants behaving badly. The chicks are Gina and Shannon. Gina has the short dark hair and Shannon the longer blonder. As so many of the best nights out do, this one began with Gin and Limes. Enjoy.