World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns


Saturday, February 17, 2007

Vocabulary Lessons

Vocabulary lessons
Courtesy of Assasination Press

Dendrophilia: sexual attraction to trees.

Agalmatophilia: an attraction to statues or mannequins.

Oculolintus: the act of licking a partner's eyeball.

Visit Assasination Press for more lovely vocab lessons

It's Your Fault! You just had to wash them and make them all clean!

Things overheard at my house today:

Ross, where have you been keeping my purse empire? It smells funny and I don't like it!

You have a purse empire?

It's not my fault that you just had to wash them and make them all clean!
-Ross (referring to the single pair of jeans that he would even consider wearing. At the time he was hopping about in his underpants looking late and annoyed.)

Yes! I found my ''Jesus 2000" hat!

It's like a cape for your boobs!

Destiny, you shouldn't date boys at all. Only date girl's. At least till you graduate college!
-Ross and Erika on learning that my niece Destiny (15 and a freshman) has a boyfriend who is a SENIOR!

You only love me cause I pick up the(dog) poop!

-Princess and Fluffy

Friday, February 02, 2007

American Idol Release Form

American Idol has been way on my mind lately. I really hate it for this. I just creeps in every year at the same time and leaves a lingering crusty smell in my mind until spring. And this year it is particularly bad. Some jack ass has pointed out to me that next season (season 7) will be my final chance to audition. I will be 28. And some braniac over at FOX has decided that 28 is obviously the very limit of youthful glow. It makes a girl feel damn old.

Okay, so those of you that know me know how strongly I feel about American Idol. I generally refer o it with the same caustic fear and distrust that I have only reserved for karaoke in the past. MUSICAL PROSTITUTION, I tell you! So I have copied, for you enjoyment and horror, my favorite bits of the release form. This is the form that you are required to sign merely to audition for the damn show. Enjoy!

I understand that I may reveal, and other parties may reveal, information about me that is of a personal, private, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, which information may be factual and/or fictional. I further understand that my appearance, depiction and/or portrayal in the Program may be disparaging, defamatory, embarrassing or of an otherwise unfavorable nature which may expose me to public ridicule, humiliation or condemnation. I acknowledge and agree that Producer shall have the right to (a) include any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in the Program as edited by Producer in its sole discretion, and (b) to broadcast and otherwise exploit the Program containing any or all such information and appearances, depictions or portrayals in any manner whatsoever in any and all media now known or hereafter devised, or for any other purpose, throughout the universe in perpetuity.

Geesh! Bring on the public ridicule, humiliation and condemnation! BRING IT ON!

Here's to you AMerican Idol! Here's to you!

She has Issues, I tell you!

Okay, I think that princess has issues. Those of you that know her would obviously look at me and say “DUH! She's a psycho beast from hell. Of course she has issues!”

Of these issues I am well aware. I am talking about NEW issues, of course.

You see, Princess has actively taken up singing. Yes, kids, I do mean singing. She LOVES to sing. I kid you not. Whenever I start singing she bounds over from whatever rooms she happens to find herself in to stand at my side, nose way way way up in the air, howling along.

At first I thought that she didn't like Bonnie Raitt, or maybe Christmas music. And really, who could blame her for hating Christmas music? Does anyone really like the 12 days of Christmas? It goes on for eons! And what in the hell does “Fa la la la la” really mean?

But lately this bizarre dog sing along has escalated way out of control. Really. Every time I sing scales for warm up or attempt a bar of any tune princess immediately starts yowling along. I swear, she is even trying to yowl in the same key that I am in. It's eerie.

But, in truth, I can not say that I am surprised to see princess trying to steal my thunder. Yes, I know this may sound weird, but I am pretty damn convinced that she is trying to steal Ross, as well. It does make sense. She's always flirting with him, she howls and barks till he comes out of our room in the early morning to sleep with her on the couch. She gets annoyed and jealous when I come home from work trips. And she always tries to sit in the front seat next to Ross when we are all in the car together.

As Ross is fond of saying that she is only one IQ point short of human she obviously thinks that it is time for her to get a boyfriend, too. Mine, actually.

And this is only step one in her nefarious plan.


Satan Shoes

You all know Payless, right? You know, that crazy little purveyor of cheap but colorful footwear. Knock offs of knock offs. As a general rule, if Payless has mass marketed a trendy shoe, it is a trend that is over, way way over. I mean, really, think about it now? Have you ever seen a pair of Payless shoes and just had to have them? Have you ever wandered the yellow aisles of faux leather and the dirty bare feet of strangers with the guilty reverence generally reserved only for that one time a year you manage to make it to church? Would you kill for them, even?

Yeah, me neither. Or that's what I thought until today, that is. It all started with a commercial on the television. A commercial of pretty girls, girls with perfectly toned and tanned mid sections and pleasantly painted toes. Girls wearing shoes. PAYLESS SHOES. And then, enters a perfectly pampered set of feet. But these feet are different. These feet, I say, are not just any feet. How could they be? These lovely anonymous perfectly painted feet are firmly ensconced in just the cutest pair of bright red wedge espadrilles. And these espadrilles are just brimming over with the most adorable little white polka dots. Loads and loads of 'em! No one needs quite that many perfect polka dots.

And could it possibly be mere coincidence that I happen to have the the most perfect little 1940's inspired red dress that just happens to be brimming over with oodles and oodles of white polka dots? And, of course, I must not forget to mention that both dress and shoe match perfectly in both color and composition. Coincidence? I think not! This, my friends, could only be the work of Satan.

Imagine! Satan, in all his soul searing glory is demanding that I go out and buy Payless shoes! There really is no other possible explanation, I'm sure of it. I might even be possessed by the demon himself! Don't laugh! It really would explain many things. I mean, how else could you possibly explain my strange fixation on 20 dollar shoes? This is me, I am a shoe snob! And Payless, generally, is the embodiment of all that a shoe snob deplores. Star Jones advertises for them! Does anybody out there like Star Jones? Only Satan. And BOGO. That is so the work of Satan! And anyways, what the hell is that shit, anyways? And couldn't they come up with a better advertising campaign?

What other proof do you need? Satan IS is eating my soul. One cheap red shoe at a time.