World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Things that I know that you should (A love story)

Dear you,

There are many things that you know that I should. But I obviously don't know them and so can not write about them, now can I? So, I find myself left only with what I know as you, rudely I might add, seem unwilling or unable to tell me what you know. So, you see, in the end everything is really your own fault. Not mine. But I still love you. I mean really, who doesn't secretly love a jealous mistress that bites?

love the bruises,

(that was the love story part)

Okay. Now to business, you slackers.

Things I know that you should
Most of which I learned while road tripping this past weekend

Thing one
When the creepy worker at McDonald's simply insists on conversing with you, even though he can plainly see that you would are trying to anonymously stuff your face in peace, DO NOT TALK BACK!! I mean it. Feign deafness or deadness, whatever works for you. But do not under any circumstances acknowledge his presence! Do not, for example, start feeling bad and assuming that you have to chat back because you think he is probably retarded. He isn't. He is just really really creepy. He will, again for example, stare longingly at your toes and ask why you aren't wearing high heels. And then he will ask you why you aren't a model and offer to take nude photos of you.

If you never ever take any other piece of advice that I give take this. Trust Me.

Thing two
Never EVER find yourself trapped for 14 hours in a putrescent smelling stadium with 20,000 other singers 19,995 of which fancy themselves R&B magicians. Trust me. This is just not good for soul and torture on the ears and mind. And really, singers don't even like singers, so why should you?

This, of course, brings me to thing three...

Thing Three
Ryan Seacrest is really, really short. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know this. You watch The Soup. You, too, are massively in love with Joel McHale. But as short as he is, white chicks under the age of 22 are absolutely enthralled by him. Do not accidentally find yourself anywhere between him and them. They will savagely cut you down and not even smudge their over made up little acne covered faces. It's frightening. He really should bottle whatever it is and sell it. We could call it Ryan Juice. Mmm mmm gross. As I have sold my soul to the FOX corporation I am unable to tell you much else. For Now...

Thing Four
If a cute young girl adopts you at an audition and keeps telling you how sophisticated you look and that she hopes she looks as good as you in ten years when she is your age, what she is really telling you is that you are old and probably should retire already because everyone knows that it is her time to rule the world and not at all her fault that you didn't accomplish everything that you wanted before your time was up.
Thing Five
If it smokes like a chimney, is painted like a psychedelic easter egg,
has hair that defies all laws of gravity and nature, is surrounded by
frightening tomes on witchcraft and spells and mistrusts anyone that
hasn't ever lived in Montreal, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHARM IT. It HATES
YOU. It probably works at McDonald's and you don't even know it.

Thing Six
Sushi is probably not a car food. I guess that's why there aren't any drive through sushi stands, huh?

Thing Six
It is perfectly wonderful to take yourself on a romantic little weekend all by yourself. Who do you love more than yourself, right? Stay in a cute little inn in the country, take yourself out for a lovely little meal. Pretend that no one else exists in all the world. Laugh at your own jokes, they are the best, right? Get a little drunk and take advantage of yourself.


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Anonymous said...

Yay Erika!!! besides Destiny, you are my hero!!


Anonymous said...

YOU DID IT??? WHY NOT MIAMI??? Call me as soon as you get this. I talked to you today and you didn't say a word. granted it was a short convo, but you better call your sis! I want to know everything! ILU