World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

Die Yuppie Scum, DIe!

Yes, yes, yes. I get it. You ARE a preferred flier. You have a zillion, billion, million frequent flier miles. You could go to mars first class and not pay a dime. If only the fool airline would start scheduled service to mars. Don't they know that Mars is the next Vegas? Well, they would, if only they would listen to you. There loss, eh?

You would quit flying them all together if any other, more reasonable airline would flew to 'the asshole of Satan,' Georgia where your boss, who doesn't possibly appreciate your gifts as they should be appreciated, insists on sending you biweekly simply because he is a bastard who likes to watch you sweat like a pig in the liquid fire summer heat. But, alas, nobody else does so you are stuck.

But if this damn airline thinks that they are going to push you around, they sure don't know you very well!

First you'll turn pink and unfocused with rage and then you will loudly explain how important your business is to this crap ass, miserable excuse for an airline all the while wildly waving your arms like an overweight ballerina in a geriatric community theater production. than will show em!

And then you will stomp about like a pinstriped baby elephant and while snorting vehemently unintelligible unkindnesses at whoever seems to be paying attention like a pregnant rhinoceros in the midst of birthing septuplets.

Oh yeah! You are SO very important! Let it all out! Let the world know. Wave it like a fricking flag!

But wait, what is it coming down the waves? Is it...no...it couldn't possibly be! Why yes it is.

It's a NEWSFLASH:

Okay, I know that you won't believe me, but I still feel obligated to tell you. Nobody prefers you. And I mean NOBODY. Nobody even really likes you. Certainly not your flight attendants. Probably not even your parents. You know why your boss really keeps sending you to 'the asshole of Satan,' Georgia? Because he HATES you. You should just accept this as a certainty or a just punishment for your blatant and profound ass-ishness. You are an asshole. You must be punished.

Now I'd like to provide you with a list of reasons your flight attendants hate you. You know, for your own good and all.

One:
You, with all your free upgrades to first class are the most miserable and demanding passenger ever invented. We see you as a punishment from an angry judeo-christian god for drinking and partying too much on long layovers. That's why most of us quickly become agnostics. It's just easier. You can imagine how unbearable your personality would be when we have a hangover.

Two: Generally you are married. We know this because we can see your lily white ring tan on the finger that your wedding band sometimes lives. We generally notice this as you are asking us to meet you for a drink later on at out destination city. What you are really wondering is whether or not we will sleep with you. The answer is no. Have you seen yourself in the mirror. You really should consider naming that beer belly. it's officially at the size where it commands respect of its own. Congratulations on that.

Three: You are often a raging alcoholic. Not that many of us aren't. But we generally make pleasant drunks. It's just the customer service employee way. But you, you insist on ignoring the affects of alcohol at altitude. You get drunk and snore and demand every manner of weirdness. And finally, when your poor flight attendant invents a reasonable sounding excuse to cut you off the sauce with out offending you, you holler at her and start your preferred customer rant all over again.

I think that I am starting to develop a twitch from not rolling my eyes at you for so many hours. And no, my insurance does not cover this.

(Here's a shout out to all you underpaid, overworked waitresses, bartenders, hotel front desk employees and airline gate agents who deal with you on your interminable, unavoidable business trips. You are loved!)


From all of us to you I would like to say: You Suck!


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