World Airways Commercial from 1985 starring George Burns

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Friday, February 02, 2007

Satan Shoes

You all know Payless, right? You know, that crazy little purveyor of cheap but colorful footwear. Knock offs of knock offs. As a general rule, if Payless has mass marketed a trendy shoe, it is a trend that is over, way way over. I mean, really, think about it now? Have you ever seen a pair of Payless shoes and just had to have them? Have you ever wandered the yellow aisles of faux leather and the dirty bare feet of strangers with the guilty reverence generally reserved only for that one time a year you manage to make it to church? Would you kill for them, even?


Yeah, me neither. Or that's what I thought until today, that is. It all started with a commercial on the television. A commercial of pretty girls, girls with perfectly toned and tanned mid sections and pleasantly painted toes. Girls wearing shoes. PAYLESS SHOES. And then, enters a perfectly pampered set of feet. But these feet are different. These feet, I say, are not just any feet. How could they be? These lovely anonymous perfectly painted feet are firmly ensconced in just the cutest pair of bright red wedge espadrilles. And these espadrilles are just brimming over with the most adorable little white polka dots. Loads and loads of 'em! No one needs quite that many perfect polka dots.


And could it possibly be mere coincidence that I happen to have the the most perfect little 1940's inspired red dress that just happens to be brimming over with oodles and oodles of white polka dots? And, of course, I must not forget to mention that both dress and shoe match perfectly in both color and composition. Coincidence? I think not! This, my friends, could only be the work of Satan.


Imagine! Satan, in all his soul searing glory is demanding that I go out and buy Payless shoes! There really is no other possible explanation, I'm sure of it. I might even be possessed by the demon himself! Don't laugh! It really would explain many things. I mean, how else could you possibly explain my strange fixation on 20 dollar shoes? This is me, I am a shoe snob! And Payless, generally, is the embodiment of all that a shoe snob deplores. Star Jones advertises for them! Does anybody out there like Star Jones? Only Satan. And BOGO. That is so the work of Satan! And anyways, what the hell is that shit, anyways? And couldn't they come up with a better advertising campaign?


What other proof do you need? Satan IS is eating my soul. One cheap red shoe at a time.



Peace.


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